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What Does "Woulda Coulda Shoulda" Mean?

"Woulda coulda shoulda" refers to the regret some feel over an action not taken.
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  • Written By: Michael Pollick
  • Edited By: Bronwyn Harris
  • Last Modified Date: 21 August 2014
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For many people, there is a clear distinction between what actually happened and what they wished would have happened in a given situation. Sometimes, people realize a number of options they could have or should have taken instead of the action they actually took. This feeling of regret or second-guessing is summed up in the expression woulda coulda shoulda. A man who handed over his wallet to a mugger, for example, might agonize over whether or not he would have been smarter to flee the scene, could have attacked the mugger, or should have refused to comply.

The expression is actually an informal rendering of three conditions: would have, could have, and should have. These are considered subjunctive moods, because they imply possible or theoretical conditions, otherwise known as wishful thinking. The mugging victim would have run away, could have attacked the mugger or should have drawn attention to himself, but none of these conditions actually happened.

"Woulda coulda shoulda" circumstances are more common than many people would like to admit. A nervous adolescent boy asking a girl for a date may get tongue-tied on the phone, but later realize what he might have asked her during the conversation. An employee explaining to his boss why an important project is still incomplete may offer up an ineffective response for why he didn't do it. For those seeking concrete answers, a "woulda coulda shoulda" reply can be translated as a defensive dodge.

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Some people do not respond well to hypothetical or subjunctive reasoning, which is why they may use this phrase to express their disappointment or frustration. Any use of the words would've, could've, or should've in relation to a situation that appeared to require definitive action could easily trigger a derisive response. Sometimes, a better course of action or a more informed decision is only discovered after the fact, leading to a punishing round of conjecture.

Second-guessing a decision or exploring other possible responses after the fact is not always a bad idea, but it's possible to become so caught up in the paths not taken that a person can get caught in an endless cycle of "woulda coulda shoulda" blame assignment. Sometimes, it's best to make the best decision possible under the circumstances and leave the second-guessing and rehashing for another time.

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anon261072
Post 6

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda" are the last words of a fool.

comfyshoes
Post 5

Crispety-I agree with you. The only way that you can experience joy and satisfaction in life is by putting yourself out there and taking chances.

Everyone has regrets of some kind, but limiting the number of regrets makes for a happier life. You really have to think what is the worst thing that can happen?

If you have trouble finding a partner because you have been previously hurt and are afraid, it is best to dissect what happened in the past relationship in order for you not to make the same mistake.

Was it a problem regarding compatibility? Did you select a flawed partner to begin with? Sometimes we select people that are toxic for us especially if we had a dysfunctional upbringing.

People in this case are often drawn to the drama of a dysfunctional relationship and actually feel comfortable although it is not healthy and may be a short lived relationship.

Understand what went wrong in that past relationship will help you make sure you do not repeat the same mistakes. Understanding your past relationships unlocks the potential for future happiness if you are honest.

Remember the old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."

Crispety
Post 4

SauteePan-We all know someone in their thirties or even forties that have never married and may not have any serious dating prospects.

Many of these women say that “They have not found the right person yet” or that they are just “Picky”.

In reality they are actually afraid of the very thing that they crave- a commitment. They are afraid that it may not work out and they might face rejection again.

So instead of actively seeking out a partner, they discount most of the men they meet for the real fear that they will be abandoned.

This holds these women back from experiencing the true joys of love because of their fear of rejection. These women are always second guessing their behavior on the surface, but subconsciously they are behaving to form.

SauteePan
Post 3

Suntan12-I never thought about it that way. People that take few chances and play it safe do not get hurt as often, but they do not experience joy either.

There will always be aspects of life that are wonderful, but you have to take the chance and seek it out. The perfect example involves people finding the love of their life.

How many people experience a woulda, coulda, shoulda moment with someone that they cared deeply for.

Often people hold back their feelings because they do not want to be vulnerable, but the vulnerability is required to move the relationship to the next level.

Often our fear of rejection holds us back from our most triumphant moments because we don’t take risks anymore.

suntan12
Post 2

Tonybutoner- I think we all have compelling stories to tell. Woulda coulda shoulda really relates to feelings of regret.

Sometimes it is the regret of not taking more action. For example, if a person makes a rude comment to us and we do not retort back in a clever way we feel a passive aggressive form of regret.

Many people especially those that are shy and introverted usually feel the most feelings of woulda coulda shoulda.

Their lack of self confidence often holds them back from reaching a certain level of comfort in a social setting.

Sometimes shy people result to selective mutisim in which they render themselves mute and can not contribute to a conversation. The reason why this usually happens to shy people is that they overanalyze their behavior to the point of paralysis.

Their overly critical nature toward themselves does not allow them to move past the feelings of ineptness that they usually experience in social settings. This then becomes a vicious cycle in which the pattern unfortunately repeats itself leaving the shy person even more dismayed and dissatisfied with his or her life.

These people are always experiencing feelings of regret on a daily basis.

tonybutoner
Post 1

Wow, thank you for your textbook, deep explanation and diagnosis of what coulda woulda shoulda actually is, with such colorful examples to go with it. I was just surfing when I stumbled upon this by complete chance.

I also followed your related link to "high school never ends" and purchased the advertised film on dvd too. When watching the film, I couldn't help but dwell in to my very own coulda woulda shoulda. Although the film had nothing to do with the concept really and certainly not identified it in the way you so blatantly have, but I did go back to my own high school days and got a shock of my very own coulda woulda shoulda half way through the film.

I am 39 years old and have a story to tell. If others will post their story I will also reveal all. Its just that I feel like I'm talking to a blank wall here, and it seems a bit silly to pour my guts out for the very first time in this way. Somebody please help.

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