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What is a Twinless Twin?

Twins share a special bond that is different from regular siblings.
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A twinless twin is a twin who has lost his or her sibling. This term is also used to describe other co-multiples, such as a triplet who has lost a sibling. These people are a topic of interest for some psychologists because their experiences are quite unique; even if the sibling dies in utero, a twinless twin often experiences psychological difficulties later in life which seem to be related to the loss of the co-multiple.

In some cases, a twinless twin loses a sibling in utero, due to complications of the pregnancy. Even though the twins never meet in life, their co-development in the womb apparently leaves a strong mark, and many in this situation report feelings of loss or incompleteness later in life. A twinless twin may actually guess that he or she had a sibling in the womb before this fact is revealed, suggesting that a very strong connection is forged between co-multiples, even at an early gestational age.

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One of the most common causes for a co-multiple to die during pregnancy is a condition known as vanishing twin syndrome. Vanishing twins die and are reabsorbed by the body, sometimes before the mother is even aware that she was carrying multiples. Estimates of the frequency of vanishing twin syndrome vary, but it may be as common as six out of every hundred pregnancies. The powerful bond between twins is different from that between other siblings, and it also endures beyond the confines of the uterus.

Because it is unusual for co-multiples to die simultaneously, every twin runs the risk of becoming a twinless twin. These twins often experience immense psychological anguish, especially if their siblings lived into adulthood, allowing the twins to develop an even stronger bond. They have reported a wide variety of symptoms, ranging from depression to fear of mirrors, and there are a number of support organizations to connect twinless twins with people who understand what they are going through.

Studies seem to suggest that a twinless twin may sometimes feel obliged to live for two. These twins may be driven, for example, to excel personally and professionally, to make up for the loss of a sibling's contribution to the world. Others have said that they feel obliged to work especially hard to please their parents. A twinless twin may also develop feelings of incompleteness, loss, or confusion as a result of the loss of the sibling, even if the two lived relatively independent lives.

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twinless1981
Post 80

My experience with this is being born with my "parasitic twin" growing inside me but it wasn't known and found until I was three years of age. By this time, it had become cancerous, and nearly killed me! My parents always told me that I just had cancer as a child and I had to find out the details of the parasitic twin on my own once I reached adulthood.

I am wondering if anyone else has any experience with this and is willing to chat a bit?

anon356385
Post 79

I am not sure if I'm a twinless twin, but I know I lost a sibling at some point. I'll admit, I'm a kid. I'm not pretending to be grown.

When my Dad married my step-mom a few years later, I knew something was off. They kept talking about having more kids, subtly, when my brother and I were around, and a bit more blatantly when they thought I couldn't hear. (I am an eavesdropper. Usually I don't mean to hear!)

My dad would ask my mom " How are you all doing?" when only talking to my mom. They would walk down the baby aisle, but never buy anything, as two of my cousins have a lot of kids and are destined to have something to hand me down.

Then one day, my mom started looking at couples with young children and was clearly jealous. I felt something was missing. About four years later, my mom finds out she has endometriosis, making her infertile. She gave me the talk and said "I hope you never end up ... never mind. We'll deal with it if it happens." Before that, I just knew. I even had the dreams about a little girl, and she got older every year. She had no name, but looked like my mom with my dad's hair and the family eyes.

Now, I get this cold feeling at night, kind of like if a little kid crawled in bed with you, but they're ice cold. Radio stations randomly change, stuff gets moved around in my room, as if my cousin's second youngest came to stay. Pretty weird, huh?

anon356047
Post 78

@post 48: It has been ten years since I lost my identical twin. I miss her so much and have been having dreams about her lately. Please if you or anyone understands the emptiness I feel please post.

annunciata
Post 77

A search to understand my personality led me to discover this topic and I find it interesting as well as scary. I thank God for this because He has a reason for it. As a left-handed person, I have always found myself different from other people but never thought I might be a twinless twin. To be honest, I don't feel that lonely and maybe it is the nature of the life I have chosen that helps me cope. I could be worse than the way I am. Who knows?

My life experiences have made me a strong person who depends on a strong personality I don't know. When I read about the 'vanishing twin syndrome, I was able to trace what my mum once told me about my gestation period that was extended by two weeks due to a miscarriage that occurred early in her pregnancy. Once I discovered this, I wasn't able to sleep for several days and I am hoping my mum will tell me in detail what happened once I am back home in my country.

It is a scary thing that I just discovered and despite the history of twins in my family (my sis has boy twins and we kept wondering where they descended from), I never thought I could be a twinless twin.

So my dear surviving twins, if my twin died in utero, it's hitting me most as a religious experience when I am in reflection and asking why so happened. As a missionary here in the US, I am grateful to learn this and hope you will help me understand this mystery through your experiences. It's not an easy thing to digest after many years of existence. Thank you for your sharing.

anon343266
Post 75

I am a Christian and I live for Him! I know I am complete in Christ. I use my twinless twin feeling in a positive light. The feeling of incompleteness causes me to never give up and be very driven in life. I look at being a twinless twin a blessing from God, because it gives me pain that causes me to continually excel and reach to achieve happiness. The oneness that I feel is true love to me and always will be. I thank God that I feel true love! Being a twinless twin helps me be a better Christian. I should have a twin sister. I love that nobody understands me too.

anon342760
Post 74

@anon236682: I don’t know how old these posts are. My twin soul is a celebrity. I know that for a fact. Our lives are mirrored. A lot of his songs sound as if he were singing about my life. Sometimes I would hear a new one that mirrored what I was going through right then, etc. Anyway, I was looking up what to do if your twin soul is a celebrity (online) and it highlighted your words, so I clicked the link.

I’m looking at what you wrote and am thinking, “No way,” because it’s so much how I feel about this guy. At first, I viewed the connection as a "brotherly" type. If we were chilling in the same room and stuff, he would be my "homie". Well, I stumbled upon a movie he's in and watched it again (I saw it when it first came out several years ago). Back then, I was going through hell, and didn’t really make any connections but liked the movie. This time, I was like Whoa! I picked up on so much. It was crazy. Then realized I was his soul twin when I watched a video of his online. It was such a powerful connection that I started crying. I went a few months thinking I was crazy. I would try to stop thinking about it, then bam! His songs start playing on the radio, blah, blah, blah. So here I am again.

anon339695
Post 73

I was a twin. He died seven months into my mother's pregnancy from a driving accident on the highway. I didn't find any of this out until after I tried to commit suicide. I felt like I had this hole in me -- a hole I tried to fill with anything I could to make me feel better. That got me a bad reputation.

For a while, I had tried and tried to go through with killing myself. Then I found out there was a possibility that I was the daughter of a rapist. That was it. I attempted suicide. I was so close to cutting down to the vein. If I'd gone a little deeper, I would be dead. I ended up passing out and all I remember seeing is a boy, who told me what his name was and suddenly the void in my heart felt like it wasn't there. When I came to, the void was back so I asked my mom. She started crying and told me about him. Since then I have tried to live my life to the fullest so that he could see the world through me.

anon338105
Post 72

Just two months ago I found out from my older brother, that I was supposed to be a twin (I'm 19). My father pushed my mother down the stairs and lost my twin even before three months. Everyone, even the doctors, thought that both of us had died due to placental abruption. Yet I lived and was born some weeks early.

Ever since I was little, I always felt like and thought that I had a twin sister. so it's nice to know the truth.

It doesn't end there, though. I feel like it could explain a few things by reading all of these posts. My emotions are either overloaded or just not there, like I have double the emotions to use. I prefer to be alone and daydreaming about what could have been. I even had to take meds when I was little to help me interact and calm down, as well as being wrapped tight like a replacement hug that was never right. I don't get emotionally attached all that easily to people, thinking that if they left it wouldn't bother me all that much as it should. I would write more but I'll stop here.

anon337331
Post 71

I am currently carrying twins, and I am 7 months along. At four months, one twin's heart stopped beating (due to a fatal fetal syndrome called hydrops) I am expecting a little girl in August, 2013. I have a son, 14 months old. I am concerned because I am not sure whether it is appropriate for me to mention the deceased twin as both children will be unable to understand, and I don't want them to feel upset or like they are missing something. It helps me to grieve and heal by validating the baby's existence. Some of you have described this sad or empty feeling regardless, and I want to propose a theory:

What if the mother's grief during pregnancy and feeling like a part of them is gone has caused an imprint on you as the surviving twin? There is speculation as to how the mother is emotionally during pregnancy and the effects on the child as they are born and grow up. I am worried because some days I can keep it together, but some days the grief of losing one of 'the twins' is so raw, I am scared that my grief might affect my unborn child.

I don't want to feel selfish in losing one of the babies, considering I have a healthy son and so far things are OK with the 'surviving' twin. But on days like today I can't keep it together, and I can't close the door to this grief and say 'it happened; because I have to carry the child for another two months. If anyone has some insight, I am open to ideas or opinions.

anon332656
Post 69

I am a twinless twin. I never knew my twin or even what gender they were. My parents never kew either. My twin died before birth. They did not even know I was there until my twin I died.

I grew up around twins. I knew of four sets of twins in my neighborhood, three of which went to my school. Though I had many other siblings, eight of them, I always felt like a part of me was missing.

I was told about what happened to my twin early on in life, but I was too young to understand. Now that I am older, I have been thinking about my twin a lot and that feeling of incompleteness has come back.

The world has a special regard for twins, but how does it treat a twin without a twin?

anon330270
Post 68

I am a twinless twin. I don't know much about what happened that day. All I know is that we were both going to die, but my mom told me I fought to stay alive. My mother said that when she came to see me, I had needles all in and over my body. She told me that I looked like a sick old man, but I was only a baby.

I had to have surgery because I wasn't able to breathe and now I am perfectly healthy, except for the fact that the left side of my chest has a scar underneath my skin so I was never able to grow muscle in that side, but my right side is strong as ever. The doctors say I was supposed to die at the age of 5 but I'm 15 and my birthday is on May 3. I am an all around athlete. I'm not going to make myself seem perfect because at times I find myself waking up late at night looking for my twin brother. Sometimes I try to talk to him.

anon328752
Post 67

I am a twinless twin. My brother died at birth. It is really hard to know that someone who was once there with me at birth, is now gone.

Sometimes I wake up thinking someone is right by me when they really aren't. I get sad a lot and think about him a lot! I feel alone sometimes. I would do anything for him to come back.

anon328300
Post 66

My twin brother died in utero about two or three months before we were born. My father beat my mother, and it resulted in the death of my twin. The funny thing was that he desperately wanted a son. Honestly, I think my mother did too. They got a daughter instead.

I've known about him my whole life, and I've missed him for as long as I can remember. I've always had imaginary male friends, I played alone and found it difficult to make friends, but when I did it was always with males.

I have tried to look as feminine as possible, because when I don't, my reflection freaks me out. I'll catch glimpses of someone that looks like me, but male.

I understand the living for two thing. I literally run myself ragged trying to achieve as much as possible as quickly as possible, which often causes me to fall into confusion and depression because I find myself overwhelmed and lost. Like I'm not doing the things I do because I want to.

Sometimes I just miss 'something'. I don't know what and it leaves me feeling extremely restless and emotional. I guess I miss him.

anon327196
Post 65

I lost my twin; she was stillborn. From what my mum has told me, the hospital thinks my twin died around two weeks before our birth. My mum never saw her and there are no pictures of her. My mum was never even told where the body was buried, so I have no grave to go to.

I suffer from depression, but never knew why. I am lately beginning to think It could be related to this as I seem to be constantly clinging on to different people and looking for something more. I even develop crushes on people and in my mind get all carried away.

I know this is wrong as I am happily married and have two lovely daughters, but can't seem to stop myself. I feel as if I need to make an impact in life and make a difference and at the moment feel guilty as I don't think I've done that. I feel as if I'm not good enough. The only way I can describe it is I feel somehow broken.

Part of me thinks it's silly that I should miss someone I never knew, but I can't explain the constant longing and sadness I always feel, even though I have a good life and a family that love me.

Sorry to ramble, but I just wanted to get this out. I know my parents would say it is silly, but I really want to sort this now and try to move on. Thanks.

anon324335
Post 64

I am a twinless twin & I never really understood why I felt the way I did until a couple years ago. I’m 19 now & always knew I was a twin, as my mother would casually mention it every once in a while. Nobody knows that I struggle with this every day. I'm stuck in this depression where I can't look in the mirror, and always feel like a part of me is missing.

I don't know the details of what happened to my twin. All I know is that I was a twin and that I was born two months premature. I was always told that my twin wasn't fully developed, but I was developed enough to survive.

These past few years have been hell, & being a Twinless Twin only makes it harder. I really want to know what happened to my twin but I feel as if my mother doesn't really know, or wouldn't really tell me. I think knowing might help me heal.

anon322849
Post 63

This discussion was very interesting for me to read, as our son is a surviving twin. He is 3 1/2 years old now.

Until recently, we were very concerned that he was showing signs of autism. We were not aware at that time of the surviving twin effects on a child. We were informed by a psychologist that it might be the effects of being a surviving twin.

He never tried to speak, he preferred to play alone, he had severe separation anxiety, etc. To make a long story short, once we started telling him of his lost twin, you cannot imagine how he evolved! He had one very emotional outburst of crying recently, but a very healing cry, a deep, deep cry and asked about the baby that was in mommy's stomach.

What we learned was the importance of sharing with the child the information about his lost sibling, and the earlier they know, I believe, the earlier they have a chance to heal. My son now talks a lot! He plays with all the other kids, interacts with his teacher and classmates normally, and he has a sense of humor. It was just amazing to find the key to open the lock that was holding him down!

yegn529
Post 62

@Post 61: It's Post 60! I just came back to the site after writing that about a month ago, and saw your post. I almost didn't want to write about my experience but I'm so glad I did after reading your post and I hope you visit this site soon!

If you see this post, it would be so awesome to talk to you sometime and it would be good for both of us to have someone who can actually relate to our experience.

I joined the site. I hope you read this and join also! Hope to talk to you soon! Yvonne

anon313668
Post 61

@Post no. 60: I had to read your post twice. I thought maybe I had written it. Your life mirrors mine. I'm so glad I found this. Now I know I'm not alone.

anon310917
Post 60

This is particularly targeted towards anon256220

Post 41. I loved reading your story because you so completely match my situation.

I am a twinless twin, and my twin died in utero when my mom was electrocuted by a bad connection in our kitchen. She and I were okay, but my twin died. I feel strongly that my twin was a boy, although I don't think my parents knew. My parents told me during my childhood sometime, but I think I've always felt somehow alone, or like I was missing some piece that should make me happy.

As a child, I had severe separation anxiety,and would constantly fear that my parents would die in a car accident or something bad would happen when they would go out, even just to the store. They put me through sand-tray therapy since I was never very vocal, and this actually seemed to solve my anxiety.

I still think I have some depression and anxiety, which are projected into my personal relationships. I am pretty, young and intelligent, and not to toot my own horn, but I should be more satisfied with life than I am, giving what I have. I have smoked marijuana since high school, I think to ease anxiety and sadness I feel when I am alone. I prefer to be alone, or with someone who really understands me. I have used a few opiates and benzos before and although these felt that they did fix the void I was feeling and I did enjoy semi-frequent use of them for a while, I felt that there was an invisible person protecting me from losing control with any drug. I still have trouble connecting with my twin brother as I don't think enough about him and it feels uncomfortable to do so. I think he helps my subconscious guide me.

I've always found it hard to relate/communicate with people who aren't similar to me, and would rather be alone with my thoughts than in social scenes with people I don't connect with. My good friends are similar to me, but my very best friends are like similar enough to be twins. I loved having guy friends in high school, because I thought of them as a long lost brother or as filling a void that was missing. I think this sort of explains the dichotomy between my 'friend-zoned' guys(with whom I would share interests and indulge my desire for a brotherly companion) and them men that I would date. I rarely dated any guy, and have always been in search of a perfect soulmate, he must be better than any brotherly figure, and fit my impossible ideal of what I want in a partner.

Even when I was young, dating was almost impossible as I would experience anxiety when dating someone with who my consciousness knew was not 'the one.' I didn't understand how some girls could just date guys for a few months and move on without getting too hurt. I finally committed to someone when I was 19, a freshman in college. I fell head over heels in love with G, and feel connected to him in the deepest way. We've been together for four years, and our relationship hasn't been easy, and I can feel my subconscious need to be with my other half consuming my whole body.

We're at something of a crossroads as we differ in some fundamental beliefs which might not allow us to last, but separating from him is as painful as losing my twin at birth. My emotional issues that I would like to seek counseling for are almost all related to being a TT.

This was a rather rambling post, but it felt nice to get out my words, as I am mostly emotionally cool and distant. Its great to read about others experiences in that it gives me closure that people living with a twinless twin have similar stories as me. Also, I am a gemini, the twins; is that not ironic? Thanks for reading. Hope it does some good for someone.

anon310842
Post 58

@anon310453: Contact "Twinless Twins Support Group International" or "The Lone Twin Network" (if you're in the United Kingdom. Do not force your daughter to look at the group, just kindly let her know there are people who understand and can empathize. There is a far deeper bond between twins than non-twins can see.

Disregard what non-twins say about twins; they know as much about twins as a man or woman knows what it's like to be a squirrel. Now don't take offense here please anyone. As one who has lived as a twin for 33 years and nine womb months, and now nearly eight years interacting with non-twins, I can absolutely say there is a difference in the way twins develop and interact socially, because twins are twins and non-twins are non-twins. There is a common ground between us all, but when a twin loss survivor says to another twin loss survivor, "I know how you feel!" it carries more credibility.

anon310453
Post 57

I am the mother of identical twin girls. One twin committed suicide at 24 years of age. She was the less dominant twin. It is now 12 years later and the living twin has not stopped blaming herself for her sister's death, as she always assumed personal responsibility for her sister's safety.

Since her sister's death, my daughter has been taking drugs -- heavy drugs -- followed by suicide attempt after suicide attempt. The latest was last night. She sat in the kitchen alone with the gas oven on. The neighbours smelled a strong smell of gas and called emergency services. My daughter, like you other twins, cannot look in mirrors. She cannot succeed at anything she does because she sees this as a betrayal to her sister.

She is a serial drug user and has all but abandoned her role of parent. She has three beautiful children, but they are not enough motive for her to live for. I am sick in many ways at the knowledge that the end for her is also suicide, as her loyalty to her sister may move her to this end. Is there anyone who is reading this who can help me? My situation is desperate.

anon309431
Post 56

I am 16 years old and have a fraternal twin, but my triplet died four months into the pregnancy. For a while I've had this weird feeling; it's really hard to describe. It's not like an empty feeling, but when I look at my hands and arms, they don't seem like they are mine. My twin has known for years that there was a triplet, but I only found out a few days ago. I don't know why. I asked my mom and she said there was no reason for me to know.

I have a strong feeling of guilt and sadness, wondering what my life could have been like. I feel like I've met my triplet, like I can imagine them in my daily life, hanging out with friends, and going to school. Me and my twin don't really get along at all, so I wonder, would life have been different if my triplet survived.

anon301348
Post 55

My mother passed on a while ago. I was going through her belongings. I found a paper with all of my brothers' and sisters' names on it and numbers at each of our names in the order of our births.

I noticed that my number was circled and a line drawn down under everyone's names to a girl's name -- my twin sister, the one that I was never told about. I too have felt as if a part of me was always missing.

Is there anything I can do to find out about my twin sister? If there really was a twin? Would there be any record of her even if she was dead at or before birth?

anon300842
Post 54

I lost my twin brother suddenly in 2005. I have never really found a way to really commit to life since then. I have two kids whom I love and they keep me going, but I have this sense that my thirst for life died with him. He was thirty nine.

I am forty six now, and it just seems like a long empty road without him. He was difficult and complicated, but I would give thirty years of my life for just one more day with him. I want to follow him into the grave. The only time I feel okay is sitting on top of his grave; then I feel whole, sort of. It is some sort of physical thing, being near his remains.

anon296761
Post 53

Thank you for bringing this topic up. It's good to discuss it. I am a triplet and lost both my twins at an early stage of pregnancy. I had a twin brother and an identical sister. I always knew I missed a brother, but didn't find out about the sister until recently. Then all pieces of the puzzle of my life seemed to fit together.

It is hard to live alone, knowing you weren't made to be alone, but to be three in my case. But after realising this truth, very slowly I have started healing and though I also had prolonged times of great despair, longing to die to be with my triplets, anxiety and indescribable loneliness I thought would never end, I now am moving forward in life. Thanks to those for showing me steps I could take and above all thanks to God, who has touched and healed me step by step.

It is a painful road towards healing at times, but it is more painful not to step on that road and remain where you are today. So I do encourage all of you to not give up life or hope, step on that road towards healing, because if it is possible for me to heal, then it definitely is possible for you too.

anon296444
Post 52

See the womb twin survivors web site for everything you ever needed to know about being the sole survivor when a twin died in the womb or close to birth. It's all there: support groups, a blog, publications, free downloads, etc., etc.

eskidyin
Post 51

@amypollick: Thank you so much for your advice. I will give them a try as soon as I get home as I am away from home for a family funeral and to help with another elderly relative. Thank you so much. This really means the world to me. Thank you so much and I wish you well for the future.

amypollick
Post 50

@eskidyin: Since you're a legal adult, I think you can request a copy of your adoption records, which might tell you about the circumstances of your birth, and whether you were a twin. You don't have to have your parents' consent, especially if you're requesting the records for medical purposes.

Start with your family doctor, or the courthouse in the county where you were adopted. Good luck.

eskidyin
Post 49

My parents deny I'm a twin, but all the rest of the family have been told except for me. I have always believed I was a twin and felt empty and still do.

I was adopted along with my older brother as a child, so I have only found out in the last few days that I definitely was a twin through other family members, but they don't know the details. My brother believes my twin died as a baby.

I also ave a fear of mirrors and have borderline personality disorder and now possibly a brain tumor. Where and how can I get the proof without my parents knowing? I have also lost my twin girls and one of my twin boys who has grown up with behavioural and other problems. Can anyone give me advice? I apologise now in case I offend anyone. That's never my intention. I just need your help. Thank you and I hope you all stay strong.

anon292922
Post 48

I had a twin who died during pregnancy. Before I even knew it I had an invisible friend who was my twin. My parents never even got around to naming her, but I named her Gabriella. or Gabby for short. I have always felt like a part of me is missing and people think I am crazy for missing someone I never knew.

I have always wished more than anything else that she had survived, and that I could actually know her. I am crying just writing about someone I don't know!

I am a novelist and many of my characters are twins. I have done this for as long as I can remember, so I completely believe you can love someone before birth.

anon289866
Post 47

I am an identical twin who lost my sister just past our 42nd birthdays. It will be one year this in September since I found her and it feels like yesterday. My life completely changed from losing my employment, losing my truck, my finances changed for the worse and I became reclusive, introverted and rarely leave my home.

I was very successful and had a happy family. I am desperately trying to get back on track for the sake of my family, so why is this so difficult? I still don't sleep, my eating habits leave a lot to be desired, and I can't even look in a mirror without crying. I have tried to kill myself on two occasions and feel as though I cannot "live" without her. I have tried therapy and am looking for a group support system that supports the loss of twin siblings. If anyone can offer me any advice, please do as I want to "live" again.

My heart goes out to twins who are now twinless as you are the only ones who can even remotely connect with me.

anon285711
Post 46

We were two minutes apart, identical, and I lost her nearly two years ago. Some days, it's like she died yesterday. I am retired, and looked forward to our sharing this joy in a different freedom now, but she's gone. I just literally don't think of tomorrow and live each day like she would want me to. I will always have love in my heart for her, then I go forward, knowing she is just a thought away, always there, and we are together. No one can take that feeling away. Keep your chin up, and think positive.

anon280009
Post 45

My twin died a few months into my mom's pregnancy. I'm now a teenager and feel like a part of me is missing. Every dream I have, my twin is in it. I believe it was a boy. It hurts so much to talk about it. Even thinking about it makes me cry.

anon267121
Post 44

I'm a mirror image twin. There was no telling us apart. Like at school, we would act different but our mother had to ask who was who because everything on our body was the exact same. We had straight white teeth, freckles, bangs, long brown hair and were the same height. When I say everything, I mean everything. We began our periods at the same time, began puberty and all that. Yeah, it was crazy.

We're now different. Like we still do the same things and we keep our looks the same and we do our make up the same. But all other twinless people, don't feel down. Your twins are waiting for you in heaven. We were supposed to be quintuplets but three had died, but we're doing fine now but it's still sad. At least we have each other, though.

anon263287
Post 43

Glad to have found this. I am a twin too. I was born around 1960 with my twin sister born about five minutes later. I have learned many things as a twin. Growing up was pretty normal (I told everyone we are fraternal but look identical). We had two placentas, but in recent years a DNA cheek swab test showed that we have genotypes in the identical range. Lucky for those pictures growing up (yes, we looked like copies of each other).

The last few years have been difficult, as my twin (happens to be the second one born) began to have more health issues. But I remained strong and to this day, I lend my twin my support as we continue on. Twinship can be hard. It's hard work and sometimes, I feel like I lead two lives. I will always remain persistent for my twin sister.

anon262491
Post 42

I too feel this heavy loss. I was born with a disorder where there is a small pin sized hole in my heart. My twin had the same defect and his was slightly bigger which led to his death three weeks out of the womb. It left me feeling lost and empty.

I am beginning to cope with it slowly, and although he does cross my mind often, I try to move on. It just doesn't seem fair.

anon256220
Post 41

I am a surviving twin of a boy/girl set of twins.

All of my life, I have felt that there is something missing and like some part of me did not make sense. It was as though I had two personalities that could come out at different times with regards to the situation at hand. I have never been the girly-girl type, although I can be a beauty queen when I need to. I never understood this growing up. I always thought that there was something wrong with me.

When I was 15, I got pregnant. My mother and I were sitting at the table talking one day, when she revealed to me that I had a twin brother who died at five months' gestation. She said that she was afraid to tell me when I was younger because she did not know how I would react to the news. I assured her that actually, it made me feel a lot better because it explained so much about why I act and think the way I do. I still can feel my brother with me. She was going to name us Donald Wayne jr. and Donna Winona after my dad. From then on, when we speak of it, we talk of him as though he is here, in that we call him by name.

I have since been diagnosed with depression and bipolar, but have been told that it is from being a surviving twin and taking on personality traits of not only myself, but my brother as well.

I know what people with this are going through as I struggle with it every day. I have sat down and written a letter to my missing brother telling him years of things that I would have like to have been able to share with him. I will say that it did help some, however it still does not make my brother tangible, nor does it help the feelings of loss that I continue to feel on a daily basis.

anon243655
Post 40

I am a triplet and my sisters died in utero. I feel sad all the time. I always knew something or someone was missing in my life. I didn't know I was a triplet until I was 13 and I'm 14 now, and this feeling I have every day is just horrible. Anyone else get that feeling?

anon243641
Post 39

@Post 4: It's very possible your mum didn't know. I would never had known I was having twins unless I'd had such an early ultrasound. I lost one of my babies at nine weeks, and my body had already begun to absorb the evidence of that baby having existed.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have caused less pain and concern for my son and me if I hadn't know there were two babies to begin with. He is due to be born any time now.

I plan to be honest with him, and I hope I'll be able to help him if he feels lost in the same ways so many two less twins describe their feelings. I'm sorry for anyone who feels incomplete through the loss of their twin. I know my son knew his sibling better than I ever could.

anon236682
Post 38

Wow, is all I can say. I write through tear-swollen eyes. I read your posts, and lost myself completely. You described me, perfectly. It's frightening almost. For so long I made up fantasies about have a twin sister (I'm a male) Only child. For so long I thought there was something crazy about me.

I struggle so hard with being lonely, which shouldn't be a problem because I'm a celebrity (reason why I'm posting anonymously)and get more attention than I ever want! Yet I'm always worried about being alone, can get clingy, and struggle with depression. I'm left handed, and fit the description of a vanishing twin survivor perfectly! I struggle so hard looking for a soul mate. It's as if I have always missed someone, and didn't know who! Now I know why. Thank you. You are not alone!

anon195195
Post 37

@anon110239, Post 13: Your great aunts aren't Tegan and Sara are they?

anon189851
Post 36

I had a twin that was miscarried and when they tried to scrape my mother's uterus, they found me. Both my parents have told me that when shown a mirror, I would just start crying violently. I am now 30 years old and just realized (duh) that all my relationships have been pursuing another soulmate. Not yet. I loved him or her so much.

anon185975
Post 35

Ever since I can remember I've told my mom that I had an identical twin sister, but it wasn't until I was 15 that she told me she miscarried a twin only weeks into the pregnancy. I am now 17 coming up on 18 and every day I feel like it's going to be my last.

I firmly believe that God can heal my broken heart (or at least hold it together) but sometimes I can't even contemplate functioning in the world alone. I have a very patient boyfriend, but I can't ever really connect to him. As much as I want to love him (or any of my peers) it seems like something is blocking me, and every once in a while this crushing grief will hit me and I feel like I'm going insane. I want to ask for help, counseling, anything, but then I feel like it happened so long ago why should I want help now?

@ No.110239: I've also felt as if, on the worst nights especially, someone was curled up next to me, holding me, and telling me not to worry. Even then though I still have trouble sleeping alone. I can't ever seem to get enough rest, and even when I am awake, people are always getting mad at me because I can't ever focus on what they are saying.

Also is it possible that as a twinless twin I could make up a fantasy of another person (opposite sex) who's always with me? I read a little bit on that somewhere but it didn't really make sense. I just know I seem to always be waiting either for my mirror image or my white knight.

I'm so afraid that this will ruin my chances of ever being able to get married (or to at least be a functioning member of that marriage). It also affects my other relationships as well, I hate goodbyes and I'm always worried about being to clingy, but then I get mad when other people are too clingy with me. I'm so confused and I could really use some advice.

anon182837
Post 34

Nobody knew I was a twin until I was born and the dead twin followed me out. It had died around 10 weeks but had remained with me the whole time as I was blocking the way.

I had, even as a child before I knew about this, a strange fascination with things being in pairs and twins. I get very upset if I think someone or something is lonely- that can be another person, or an animal or even an object. I have to make sure everything in my life has a 'pair' or a friend.

I feel constantly lonely and like something is missing and feel like I'm constantly searching for something that I will never find. It's a strange feeling.

anon177159
Post 33

i was a triplet and have always wondered why i seem and feel different than others. These feelings are mainly confusion and feeling incomplete. i am 31 years of age and i didn't even know my other siblings. They died a little while after birth. am i the only one who feels this way.

anon168557
Post 32

I read a few posts and i can relate to some of you. I too felt depression at a young age and still do to this day sometimes. But i try to think positive. If you accept you're going to be miserable, you are! also I've been on adderall XR 20 mg for a little while now and noticed my mood has changed for the majority of the day (time release) so maybe some of you may want to ask your doctor about this.

Also i find this topic interesting because i had a twin brother who died in utero so this explains a lot of why i am the way i am. Not one therapist or my parents ever told me this may be an outcome of that.

Well everyone, think positive, and don't compare yourself to other people! No matter who you are or how good you have it, you will always be put down by someone who has it better.

anon168378
Post 31

i am 14 years old and i would have had a twin but he died right after birth. he was on a lot of stuff and had to breathe through tubes. my mom told me when i was in like second grade (so around 7 or 8) that i had a twin. She told me he would've had a lot of problems with him like mental problems, breathing problems, etc.

i have a blessed family and i feel like i make friends easily, but i always have this weird feeling. it's a weird, lonely feeling and I'm always confused by it. i feel like it must have been from my twin passing away but at the same time i was thinking of how long ago that was and that would have been possible.

now I'm rethinking that but I'm still confused. am i right about it being my twin? or since I'm single, do i just need a girlfriend? I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately.

after reading this article thing, it does sound like what's going on. it mentioned how the twinless twin would want to go professional someday and live a life as if there's two of you. i want to become famous and is that because i want to live a life that would be successful as if i wanted to help a brother out?

janzd
Post 30

I am a twinless twin. I absorbed some major and minor body parts: a complete third kidney system and several vertebrae. I also have a personality disorder. I feel my outgoing twin wants out and it's a struggle to maintain a normal life at times. Anyone else feel this way or have these anatomical extras?

kitkat16
Post 29

There was a tragic car accident in my family in 1960. Three out of four children in the car died and the only child to survive was my sister. Her twin died a few hours later. I was born a year and a half later. They were seven at the time. She is only just starting to bond with me.

She has battled alcohol above and beyond. We have always put flowers on there graves. I feel so bad for her. Our parents have both passed away and somehow, our other sibling decided to acquire the grave site where my sister's twin is buried. How hurtful could someone be? I love my sister and it has saddened me to watch her destroy herself. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks in advance.

anon160313
Post 27

to number 16: I feel the same. No one has ever said exactly the way i felt growing up, and still the way i am now. thank you for letting me know that there is someone out there who knows how i really feel, and understands. --cw.

anon151613
Post 26

I would like to comment on #4 61921.

I lost my identical mirror twin at age 35 a year and a half ago. I have experienced the same things you have. My twin and I were always together. We went and roomed at college together, started 2 business together and she suddenly died in my arms one week after her 2nd daughter was born she had a head ache and a hour and a half later she was gone. It was and will always be the worst thing anyone can go through. To hold your twin down as she dies, scared and just overwhelmed it is something I would never wish on anyone.

My sister was my life It was all about her, her daughters and our company. upon her death I lost my soul mate, love of my life, my best friend, business partner and identical twin sister.

Seven months later her crazy husband took her children we raised and moved three states away and I have been kept from them for 11 months. Not a word as I fight to get rights as genetically I am their mother. Twins need to get together and get the laws caught up to today's times. I live with the loss of my twin and two baby girls in a seven-month period to a criminal.

Love your twin because you never know. As for the comment about a person losing a sibling and it was the same, you have no idea. Sorry. If you are an identical twin who held your twin down as she died please feel free to comment, otherwise get a clue.

anon144083
Post 24

I am a 15 year old female with a male twin. We are reasonably close, but only as normal siblings and in the fact that we are similar. Recently I've been feeling that a whole half of me is missing.

I'm pretty and attract a lot of guys but I never go out with any of them even if I like them because they're not 'good enough'. The other day I was with my twin and my younger brother and I felt like someone was missing.

My mum had us when she was nearly 40, and had had several miscarriages before. So before I looked it up I thought there might have been another triplet. I sleep with my arm around a cushion because I feel so alone. Can anyone help me?

anon134692
Post 23

My identical twin died at age 33, unexpectedly from meningitis. Even in death singletons and twins compare and contrast twins as they are unique since we live in a non-twin world.

Comparing twins can be fun, but if taken to extremes it is hurtful, as there is no set standard of a dominant twin -- perhaps in a severely dysfunctional upbringing filled with displaced anger.

Non twins viewed my twin as dominant because he was louder, had a short temper, and was more careless/spontaneous, however, had it not been for my planning, decision making, and ability to reason my twin would not be what he was.

So who's to say what is "dominant"? Good twinship works as a team, as we adapted to our social changes as a team for years. our roles had flipped, due to life's circumstances. Had he lived longer they may have flipped again. That's what a good team does, picks the other one up when he's down, have each other's backs.

I do have difficulties letting others into my life as a result of the heartache stemming from twin loss, but twin grief does not follow singleton grief patterns of severe pain/heartache in early times of loss, then plateau, then being able to put the loss in a sensible place of acceptance and moving on.

Twin loss is continual and the accompanying grief is lifelong due to the intense bond that forms in-utero. The highs and lows go on until death of the survivor twin. I'm learning to cry it all out when I feel it, trying to find a safe place to cry and grieve. There are great groups that can explain these losses such as "Twinless Twins" or "The Lone Twin Network".

For a non-twin to try to understand this loss it would be like phantom limb phenomena for them. Either way, empathy requires understanding, and nowadays when non-twins make comments about twins, I completely disregard their statements, although their ignorance stings at first. Non twins know as much about being a twin as a man knows what it's like to be a woman, or a woman knows what it's like to be a man.

We can communicate and hope to understand, but the understanding can only go so far due to how we have been created.

Feelings of being "one half alive and one half deceased" are very true, and it's odd and confusing to feel it within my own brain. It's a heavy loss. One can only pray to find patient, tolerant, caring friends and cut ties to those who devalue twin loss feelings. Those people have enough of their own issues to deal with.

anon127683
Post 22

I am 12 and before my mom told me i have felt like something should be right next to me and I feel loneliness. she told me that i had had a twin but he or she died whilst in the womb. For some reason i just know my twin was a boy and can feel how he's not there. is that natural?

anon127156
Post 21

i had a set of twins. they were great healthy babies. at 46 days old, my baby girl amanda passed away and they told me it was sids. my other daughter Maryjane is now 14. i am going through it and i don't know what to do. she said she feels like something is missing. she says she feels alone and like she has other sisters. i need help. i don't know what to do. they were identical.

anon123661
Post 20

My twin died in utero as well. Now everything I've ever felt (or not felt) makes sense. I just don't hope people use the twinless twin phenomenon as an excuse not to live or to feel alone or sad all the time. You are still here -- and that's something.

Make friends, find love, let go of the person that never made it into this world. Maybe if my twin brother had made it, we both would've been sick or unhealthy. Rather live.

anon123243
Post 19

Since I was a kid I've been saying that I was not supposed to have been born alone. My mom always agreed, and said i should have had a twin. She said she was sure she was pregnant with twins when she first went to get an ultrasound. But then only I showed up.

I always felt alone. I had a lot of friends but I never felt like that's how it was supposed to be. I feel like there's a part of me missing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and cry for no reason feeling loss.

I can't seem to be able to have stronger feelings for anyone, all my relationships are just pointless to me. When I was a kid I used to tell people I had a twin, but he was away. I know I wasn't supposed to have been born alone.

anon122770
Post 18

When i first started talking, my mom said i came to her crying telling her i wanted my baby sister. My mom was shocked because that subject was not brought up, especially around me!

I always liked to hide in small spaces cabinets under tables, etc. I would wake up in the middle of the night at the same time -- around 3 a.m. -- and cry uncontrollably. My mom took me to doctors and they could not explain why.

I would go off. Like everyone else on here, I have always had the same feeling of being lonely and lost. I don't know who I am or what i want out of life because i just can't figure it out.

anon122505
Post 17

I was so connected to my mom as a kid. I can remember it like yesterday and missed 65 days of school, afraid to leave her.

Later mom told me as a youth that I was a twin but the egg didn't develop. I dismissed it but always felt lonely wanting a best friend or needing a man so desperately. I was collecting friends and so needy, then moving from man to man.

Finally none of my relationships or marriages were working out. Ongoing depression and counseling all my adult life I may have made a break through just can't believe it. I am going through a divorce and this last relationship is killing me and I can't seem to let go. I don't want to loose my mind.

anon122447
Post 16

I always felt empty personifying two extremes of myself to everyone I might, and I either I expressed empathy or apathy- and never to understand why I can't show or understand my true self, why I fear death and always feel the urge of death lingering on my skin. Something is always constricting on my heart making my chest squeeze and tighten till I can't breathe. Why I begin to cry whenever I feel the sensation of being alone even though I never cry for any other reason.

It wasn't until I was fifteen I was casually told I had a twin during my conception who died later in the pregnancy. I'm fifteen now and I've fought my depression by hiding most of my true personality, which is rather morbid, by creating stories of people who usually are extremes of one thing trying to find their other half. I believe it's my way of trying to cope with the inability of never finding my true self.

Sometimes I am struck with this urge, where I am in constant need of hearing a voice, someone's voice, someone breathing just to know that I am not alone, to have a body near me, but it's never enough. And then at other times not wanting to be in the vicinity of anyone to remain in solitude for hours to days, only coming out to eat and sleep and staying in the premises of my dreamworld.

Sometimes I feel the need to conquer the whole world to be the best and sometimes I feel like I'm defiling or sabotaging someone else's chances for reaching greatness.

anon118127
Post 15

i was in my seventh month of pregnancy when i lost one of my twin daughters, which in turn caused me to deliver her sister early too! it almost killed me. i had the hardest time being around her sister at first, then i developed this fear that if i let her out of my sight i might lose her too!

it took me three years to get over this fear. that means for the first three years of her life, she never left my eyesight. if i couldn't see her i went into panic mode. even going to the bathroom would end up with me in tears!

If losing her twin devastated me to such lengths, what effect is it going to have on her! she will be four this month. she started school this year and i had to go to counseling for extra sessions leading up to then so i wouldn't panic! i hope she hasn't suffered too much because of the loss of her twin.

anon115405
Post 14

i am 30 and i was pregnant with twin girls. Sadly i lost one in my eighth month of pregnancy. My daughter is now five and i told her since the day she was born that she had a twin sister but she passed away and to this day i still have no idea about how to explain why her twin died.

we visit the grave and we let balloons go on each of her birthdays. My daughter who lived is so energetic and full of life. i just hope i can explain to her why and how because I don't even know myself.

anon110239
Post 13

I always felt lost and confused and like a half and only a half. Therapists kept labeling me with disorders like bipolar and chronic depression.

Whenever I cried I went to my bed and felt someone holding me and stoke my face and back, and also tickle me. They used my limbs but it wasn't me. They'd whisper sweet things to me. They even help soothe me to sleep sometimes. And at night I feel someone curl up behind me.

Sometimes I would wonder if I were a twin, but I kept calling myself a wannabe-twin (I had an obsession with twins), and would tell myself I'm psychotic and that, that could never happen -- not to me anyway, my life isn't that exciting. I also always was terrified of changing my appearance. I felt like I was losing something.

One day I went up to Washington (USA) to visit my birth mother, half sister, step brother, and step father (I'm adopted by my great aunt and uncle on my birth dad's side -- teen pregnancy). Then while my mom was driving to her dentist she was telling me about the pregnancy with me then she briefly mentioned a second egg. I didn't ask more til later that week; I was too scared of her reaction.

She told me that my twin (who was male. By the way, I'm female) died after the third month and then she told me about the labor pains and how my grandma had to drive her to the hospital. Then came the dead body. The cause of death is unknown but as an infant I had weak bronchial tubes and got pneumonia all the time. I tried to tell my dad but he's a jerk and he said there wasn't, but the thing is after he got her pregnant he didn't speak to her for a year.

he was a video game nerd. I'm named after a video game character -- need I say more? It turns out I have two great aunts from Canada who are twins.

It didn't feel as happy as I had thought, to be a twinless twin. In fact, in hurt like a rock bashing my heart. After I learned this my twin obsession ended. I don't know why though; it just went away. Being a twinless twin feels like being yin without the yang.

When I look at my reflection I hate my self and say, "I should've died too. I'm spoiled! Selfish! I'm so rotten! I hate myself!"

But whether he's in my body or outside it, I know he's still here and he won't leave me.

Sorry that this isn't very organized. It's 5:00 am and I'm pulling an all nighter.

Twinless twins, I know what you're going through.

anon106687
Post 12

I think it is very natural for anyone to feel like they've lost half of themselves even if they are not a twin.

We spend our entire lives trying to figure out our own minds (an impossible task) and even on our deathbeds will feel like there is something missing. I am not a twin, though I've imagined the possibilities all my life. I like to imagine there is someone out there just like me.

We all want someone to understand us so deeply that it is encoded in our dna. We all miss the unreachable or suppressed part of our personalities.

Twinless twins, you are not alone. -tina

anon105920
Post 11

My twin died in utero. We were going to be born 13 weeks early, but i was then born 9 weeks early. I was a small baby. My twin did not survive that long. I am the youngest in my family, and i am male. My mother drank alcohol during pregnancy.

I feel a great sense of loss for my twin. I feel that my twin suppose to be with me. Sometimes i think that we would have made a great team. Sometimes i am glad that he didn't survive because i suffered CSA as i was growing up, and if he had survived he would have been abused with me too.

anon104953
Post 10

My twin sister suddenly became psychotic at the age of 21. It was a terrible time, and I did everything in my power to try to help her. She was diagnosed bipolar.

I visited her at the psychiatric hospital, and I always hoped she would get better. But slowly and surely I have lost her to more psychoses and strong medication and so on.

I am not mentally ill, and I don`t understand how this could happen. I have good friends, a wonderful and patient boyfriend, I have a lot to be thankful for. But I am sad and lonely, and I feel lost without her. It has been so scary to see her fade away from me, but still being alive.

It's something I never thought would happen to us, but only happened in movies. When she is really sick she threatens to kill me. It is almost unbearable to live like this, and a lot of the time I have wanted to join in on her madness, just to be with her. But for some reason my destiny was different than hers.

I am lucky, but at the same time my heart is breaking every day for her, and for us.

anon103125
Post 9

My entire life, since childhood, I have experienced severe depression even at a very young age. I have felt lost, empty, and lonely, despite having two other younger siblings. I have always felt like I was lost, like something was supposed to be here, but it wasn't.

I was confused for years and secluded myself from other kids and kept to myself. I never understood it, but when I was younger, I had this heartbreaking envy for seeing any pair of twins, and for some reason, mostly fraternal boy/girl twin pairs. I never said anything, cause it made no sense to me then.

Until my mother told me, when I was 15 (I am 22 now) that my twin brother died in utero. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and smashed like glass. My jaw dropped and I just gave her a, "You're bleeping kidding me right?" look.

I suddenly realized where this emptiness was coming from. My other half, had left me before we could share our lives together. I died that day inside, and have never been the same since. I call him 'Chance' because it was my mother's favorite name for a boy, and what she would've named him, if he had lived.

I cannot handle relationships, as I have no special feelings of any sort for anyone else anymore. I am numb with agony and will suffer emotionally for the remainder of my life without my twin.

I have trouble concentrating, interacting with other people, and am morbidly depressed most of the time. Nothing will ever fill that gaping black whole that was once my heart. How do you explain the unbearable torture of living knowing your other half, best friend, and the only person who could make your life complete, is gone, and you will never get to hug them, see their smile, hear their laugh, or tell them how much you love them? You cannot.

anon88028
Post 8

i believe identical twins are born with an individual predisposition. one's a leader, broader face, much more comfortable in the material world, will marry first, have a baby first. One's a follower, and ironically it's the first born. an anxious worrier. The spiritual one. even needs more dental work.

I have both characteristics. I've been observing twins for years searching for the other part of the ever evasive jigsaw.

anon78025
Post 7

when my twin and I were born, we were about three months premature. i had breathing complications and my twin seemed all right. After about five weeks the doctor said we both shouldn't live, but somehow i survived. as my graduation approaches, I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't be here. i write this in the memory of my twin. i will always remember you.

anon76706
Post 6

My husband and I were married for 13 years and the marriage produced three children. Two girls (twins) and a boy who died at 16 months from sids. After our son died my ex went a little insane and all he cared about was having more children.

I was satisfied with my daughters so we got a divorce. After my divorce my twins (at age 8) decided to separate too. My daughter Leila decided to live with her father and his new wife. My ex husband's new wife is the docile and submissive type. She was very attractive when they got married and she still is. She had four children for him because he refused to let her go on bc or wear a condom. In fact they had their first son only 15 months after the wedding.

She's 35 now and still looks like a 22 year old supermodel. Leila and I go for lunch once a week and talk on the phone once a week. Saffron stayed with me and hasn't seen her sister in over a year. They refuse to speak to each other and she also hates her father and her new stepmother and hasn't seen them in eight months. She doesn't consider herself related to my ex's children at all. leila, on the other hand, feels more related to them than her own twin sister.

My twins are 17 almost 18 now and I wish they'd talk to each other. They haven't been close since my ex and I divorced. I hope they patch things up before they move out to go to university.

anon70236
Post 5

my identical mirror image twin sister passed away almost four years ago at the age of 30 totally unexpectedly. Trust me when i tell you we were born only two minutes apart, we worked together, lived together and were the very best of friends. i am so lost and so empty in this world without her.

I am blessed to have a wonderful mom and a wonderful husband but when i smile now it's just for show. i am heart broken 24/7 365. how do you go on in life without your other half? i miss my sister more than i could even put into words.

For the lucky twins out there love your twin with all of your heart, hug them, kiss them and be thankful for your twin. nobody knows you or loves you like your twin. just because we were born together we don't get to die together and if you're the one who outlives your twin, your soul will be completely crushed forever.

Dying of a broken heart is not for real because i am typing this comment right? i want to be happy and my sister would want me to be happy but i am overtaken by complete utter sadness. i used to be scared to die and now i can't wait. i just want to be with my twin.

anon61921
Post 4

I just found out about twinless twins. I've felt my whole life that I had a twin, although my mom always denied it. Even as a small kid I would tell her I had a twin and she would say there was no way, she only gave birth to one baby. Is it possible that I had a twin and my mother didn't know?

anon22036
Post 3

how would you know if you where one of them? is there a genetic pattern unique to twins

and so even if one dies in the womb there's still a way to know if there was a sibling years later,

via the surviving twin?

anon17799
Post 1

I have a set of twin girls and one has moved out of our home to live with her father. Can this affect the twin relationship like this. They don't see each other anytime but at school and they don't talk then.

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