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What is Verbal Abuse?

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Verbal abuse is a form of battery that involves the use of words, rather than blows and punches. In a verbally abusive situation, words are used to attack, control, and inflict harm on another person. Verbally abusive behavior goes far beyond mean behavior; it involves inflicting psychological violence on another person, attacking the very nature of an individual's being and attempting to destroy his or her spirit. Verbal abuse can affect people of all ages and in all types of relationships. However, it is especially prevalent in marital relationships.

A number of behaviors are considered verbally abusive, including angry outbursts, screaming rages, and name-calling. Verbal abuse often includes blaming, brainwashing, and intimidation. Hidden aggression is a part of verbal abuse, as well. Verbal abuse is extremely manipulative, as insults are often disguised as caring comments. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert, but it is always about controlling and manipulating the victim.

Often, verbally abusive comments are offered as jokes. When the target of the joke is hurt or insulted, the verbal abuser laughs it off and says that the victim is overly sensitive. However, the intent of the verbal abuser is to cause this hurt. After a time, verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse.

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Arguments in verbally abusive relationships are far different from those in healthy relationships. Normally, people argue over real issues that have the potential to be resolved. In verbally abusive arguments, real conflicts are not the issue and problems are not resolved. The abuse becomes the issue, and often the victim is told that everything is always his or her fault.

Often, verbal abusers tell their victims what to think and how to feel. They typically refuse to see or understand the victim’s point of view. In fact, they often object, in a violently verbal way, to the victim’s opinions and desires. Verbal abusers often deny reality and attempt to keep their victims confused by constantly changing or distorting the issue.

Withholding is often a major part of verbal abuse. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser may withhold information, affection, support, or money. When the abuse victim attempts to speak up about such issues, the verbal abuser denies the issue altogether.

Verbal abusers often seek to isolate their partners, cutting off or blocking their relationships with friends and family. Sometimes, the verbal abuser works to convince the victim that the abuser is the only person who really cares about or likes the victim. In some cases, the verbal abuser may admit to his or her behavior and agree to stop. Typically, however, the behavior begins again within a short period of time.

Verbal abuse can be described as stealthy; it leaves wounds that are not visible to the naked eye. As it harms the mind and spirit, it can be more difficult to recognize than physical abuse. Also, its victims become so torn down by it that they are often unable to notice the abuse themselves.

Low self-esteem and confusion are ever-present in the minds of the verbally abused. The abuser is often able to convince the victim that he or she is the problem. In fact, verbal abusers often accuse the abused of playing the victim.

Eventually, the verbal abuse victim becomes so worn down by the abuse that he or she becomes unable to put up a defense against it. Often, the victim begins to try to change or placate the abuser, thinking that such change will improve the relationship. Sadly, verbal abusers typically do not change on their own. For real change to occur, professional psychiatric help is usually required.

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anon924179
Post 169

@anon924173: *Yes,* it is verbal abuse and *no* you don't somehow "deserve" it! Read the article. This is meant to break you down and make you less and less able to defend yourself. This is classic abuser behavior: failure to take responsibility for one's own feelings; making other people "at fault" for one's feelings; saying they are hurt when they are actually angry. He's not hurt; he's angry because you challenged his authority. He's angry because his fragile self-esteem can't stand the thought of being challenged.

So he's sweet every other day. So what? Is having him be nice to you a couple of days a week worth the hell he puts you through the other five? He is *not* a nice person. He is an abuser. He is abusing you and you don't deserve it.

Are you better off with or without him? Can you imagine a life where you are in a peaceful, healthy, sane environment, instead of the toxic madhouse where you live now? Can you imagine going through your days not being called names or being denigrated? If he has "forgiven" you of something, he wouldn't throw it in your face. Can you imagine living without being cold-cocked by your past every day?

Here's another thought: verbal abuse is nearly always the precursor to physical abuse. Has he ever shoved you or "playfully" hit you? It's coming, then.

If you don't get out of this relationship, you are going to end up as a statistic. Am I trying to scare you? Yeah, I am, because abusers do not stop unless something or someone intervenes to *make* them stop. They either go to jail or get help. Assuming they'll agree to get the help they need.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It's toll free. They can help you get some perspective on this situation, and help you assess your options. Good luck.

anon924173
Post 168

I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck. He brings up things that he has forgiven me for, and then when I stand my ground, ask him not to yell, stop being cruel or mean, it's my fault. I'm a whore and disgusting. I don't know what to do.

I love him. He's amazing every other day. Just sometimes it's so bad that I don't want to live anymore. He tells me I've ruined him, that I've hurt him with my behavior. I apologize over and over again and he says that he forgives me. He's even gone as far as to call me a slut say that he's heard of guys running trains on me when it's never happened.

I can't do this anymore. I feel so stuck. What if it's not abuse and I've done everything to deserve the name calling and all of this? I was flirty at the beginning of our relationship, and I did allow a guy to kiss me once when we first dated when I was so drunk I was almost passed out.

I don't even know if it's really verbal and emotional abuse. He calls me disgusting. I don't know -- do I deserve it? The names and the things he says just get worse and worse. I don't know.

anon349909
Post 165

How about how the devil twists peoples minds to mistake compliments as offensive, hassling so-called insults and Satan has put on a disguise so you believe his lies. The devil telling lies like that is verbal aggression.

anon344828
Post 159

My daughter's husband tells their 19 month old daughter to her face it is her fault that she fell because she was teasing the dog. The toddler spilled hot coffee on herself. She is OK now, but the dad told the child to her face it was her fault for reaching for it, that she should know better. Today they were in the pool and the toddler was crying because it was her first time being in the water. Her dad wouldn't bring her out of the water. Instead, he took her out to the deep side. She was crying and asking for mom and he said don't be a baby. He said she is OK, that he doesn't want her to come crying to him about anything when she is older. Then, he was changing her out of wet clothes and he let her head hit the ground. He told her it was her fault she hit her head.

He takes away her toys because he can't stand the noise. When she is happy and playing, he will take the toy away. He said she knows what she is doing, or she has to learn by getting hurt. He gets jealous when people give her toys and he takes them away from her. Is he abusing her?

anon328972
Post 150

My six pound dog was chained to my bedroom door this evening. As usual, the abuser slept in the other room. Her dog is 20 years old, incontinent and wearing a diaper, has so little leg strength he falls down with his legs splayed open, walks into walls, paces uncontrollable, and always smells like urine. She and her kid think its funny when the dog collapses and won't put him down, despite no quality of life.

Between abusing my dog, I spent the day doing her college homework, with her obviously perplexed friend who couldn't figure out why she was being so mean to me helping her.

I'm told that I'm fat, a loser, have no friends (I can't talk to anybody without her going berserk - she called all my friends losers). I make all the money and put it in a joint account but she has two separate accounts, child support and her own. She routinely takes money from ours to hers and all child care expenses are paid by me.

I own the house outright but she complains about it every day. It's a 90 year old beauty - random people compliment it - but she tells them it's awful and she wants a new suburban house (it's in an extremely affluent neighborhood with the best schools in the county).

She yells constantly, telling me I'm a loser and saying things like "what a poor victim" if I complain. Neither her nor her child ever (seriously - absolutely never) express gratitude. She routinely berates me in front of my seven year old who thinks she can order me around and does. However my girlfriend also yells at the child, often for no reason.

Double standards and hypocrisy are as common as sex is uncommon. "That's different" is as common as the put downs. Like I said, they don't do "thank you." I think the kid is OK, but as she's aging she's acting more spoiled and entitled, from my money, by the day. The kid's father voluntarily moved to a different state and started skipping all visits, then complaining about no visits (even when we dropped her off he insisted she be picked up early). They're both alcoholics.

I can go in forever but it's venting. Time to tell them to find their own place. I deserve better than this. My little dog does, too.

anon327389
Post 148

Leave the abuse. There are no solutions. Love yourself. You can't change your man or women. That is a fact. It's better to be single and happy, than married and with this life.

anon326375
Post 146

I am bipolar and my husband is verbally abusive. He calls me awful names and he calls my daughter terrible names, as well. He has told me she is Satan and she is evil. When he gets really mad he is famous for calling me obscene names, and the reason everything in his life is failing is because it's my fault.

We are currently separated, and he still continues to blame me. My daughter and I have been out of the house for six weeks now. It's rather funny that he holds my daughter and me accountable when it's just him and his daughter in the house now. He says I use my disease as an excuse and that it's crap. I can control my disease -- to a certain point. I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist.

My husband uses all past things against me and it cuts me straight to the core of my being. He says he wants me to get "better," yet he continues to keep me down. I have taken full accountability for my actions and yet he still wants me to take accountability for why everything is in ruins. I am just not going to do that. I feel lost. I know he is sick -- maybe more so than I am. I take my meds and I never go off of them, so why does he keep on wanting to hold me down? I am so frustrated so sad and my daughter and I feel so damaged.

anon320298
Post 143

Is it normal for a person to be asked to help but then maybe an hour later the person who asked you said that you didn't do anything at all and blames you for stuff that you never did? What if that person calls you stupid and other names, then that person starts crying, making you feel worse, like you really did something wrong. And then, maybe when that person calms down, the person says that they were sorry and won't do it again. Is that verbal abuse?

anon289407
Post 142

I think it's ridiculous when people exaggerate verbal abuse. I have been physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused. I know firsthand what it is.

I told my close friend that I feel he has a phobia and I feel that he is in love with himself and that's why he can never be in love with someone else. (He treats me and acts as if I'm his girlfriend, but will not commit. He has never committed to any woman in his whole life) He had the gall to say that's verbally abusive when he has never committed to any woman in his life. He's scared to commit and that is that. There's no reason to accuse someone of being verbally abusive.

I'll give examples of what real verbal abuse is: "You're so ugly, no one would ever want to date you"; "You're a loser"; "You'll never amount to anything." Or, as my ex foster mother said when I was a little girl sitting with my legs ope,n "What are you doing? Waiting for sparky?" -- in reference to the dog. Or as she used to say, "Don't you get that you were an accident and that's why you don't have parents?" Or when she would say after I told her I wanted to model, "Good luck. Models actually have to be pretty." Or when she said, "You're worthless. You can't do anything right." I could go on and on. Those are examples of verbal abuse and people need to recognize that. Not "I feel" statements.

amypollick
Post 141

@anon274388: When someone is having a bad day, they don't hoard all their money for their own projects, and rarely spend it on their families. They don't call their spouses obscene names. They don't belittle their children.

I think you know your husband is abusive, or you wouldn't be on this site. I've posted before: the way your boys see your husband treat you is the way they will treat their future girlfriends and wives.

In the words of Dear Abby: get counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. And keep the number of a Domestic Violence Hotline handy, just in case. One day, he might escalate from the verbal to the physical. Good luck.

anon274388
Post 140

How do you know it's verbal abuse and not just a bad day? There are days that he is sweet and doesn't say much to insult me or our boys. But then there are days that he says I am cheating on him and he says he has video of the cheating. He calls our older son stupid or blond.

He says that I am a b-word all the time and laughs after it when I am telling the boys to get ready for bed, or dinner, etc. Or if I am in the house doing housework, or even when I finally sit down to relax a minute he says he needs help outside working on a truck or some other project he has going and that no one helps him financially or physically with anything and we use him.

I work a full time job and my whole paycheck is put in and I only asked from him $900 every two weeks (my check is more than that). He normally has anywhere from $300-$400 in his pocket at a time. He saves none of it and spends it on what he wants to spend it on. Sometimes it's stuff for the house, sometimes it's on whatever project he is doing, etc. It rarely is on vacations, for presents, for what ever holiday may be coming around.

So after all this, is it verbal abuse or is it a bad day? I am having trouble trying to figure this out.

anon265508
Post 139

I am so surprised my daughter has been using verbal abuse to me when I travel to visit her and my 3 year old grandson. She has even told me that he is her son and I have no right to tell her anything about the boy. She is 45 and I am 68. The last time I visited I got in a deep depression. I am afraid to go back again and visit.

anon251474
Post 138

I’m 15 and my mother verbally abuses me. She used to be nice and loving and caring, but even when I look back to when I was younger, I can see the ways that she was manipulating my life in her own way. She is obsessed with my ex-boyfriend telling me that we need to get back together, that he is the only one that cares about me. She even tried to become close friends with his mother.

She goes on facebook more than I do, stalks my wall everything. She even forces herself onto my facebook physically. She hates my dad. They used to scream and shout obscene things at each other constantly, but I still loved them both though they both abused each other. I get verbally abused every day, as often as often as she sees me. I get called all kinds of obscene names, loser, selfish brat and every other name you can think of, and she slaps and punches me, while also completely controlling my life at the same time, since I’m not old enough to drive and my dad is always working, so I can’t really get away from her.

Everything I do is always wrong, and everything she says to me is a veiled, or in a lot of cases, not so veiled insult about the terrible person that I am. She even goes as far as to tell me that all my friends hate me, my ex boyfriend is the only one who ever cared about me, outlines all the reasons why I am fat (I weigh barely 50 kgs), why no one would ever want me, how I she thinks I am a whore who looks for easy sex, although she knows I am a virgin. I’ve never gone out all night drinking, never done drugs, get all A’s and B’s, yet still I am the worst daughter, the worst student, the one who will never get anywhere in my life, will never achieve anything.

Everything is my fault. I am not allowed to spend time with my dad, even though he lives with us. I have to constantly listen to her telling me how she wishes he would die, and outlining the possible ways in which she wants him to. I know she has control issues, but they have gone far beyond a point where I can stop or help her with them. As for the slaps and hits, she always justifies them. She is always right. Normally, I am strong enough for her words not to faze me, but after hearing things for so long, they start to feel natural, normal, and I’m scared of becoming like her.

I’ve tried to get us counselling, tried to talk to her, but nothing works. I’m at my wits’ end, I don’t know what to do. I really am stuck here. I can’t move out, she can’t move out, at least until I go to university. I don’t know what to do anymore.

rose223
Post 137

My mum was a depressed alcoholic and very paranoid. She used to drink nearly every day and tell me how horrible and disgusting I was.

It's sad, because even ugly people are meant to have a face that only a mother could love, and my mother couldn't love mine. She ended up drowning herself while we were on holiday, two weeks before some important exams of mine. It will be a year ago in three months and I'm still in so much pain.

anon249782
Post 136

I'm going to keep this short, but this explains my dad completely. Sadly my my mother has turned into him too, and my brother is basically a clone of him.

It's taken 19 years for him to tear me down and I hate what this is now doing to me. It's gotten to the point where it is seriously going to have a permanent effect on my future ambitions and achieving them (not to blame everything on him but it is affecting my situation a lot). In short, I am unable to move out.

I feel that, even if I did tell someone, that they would never believe me because my dad is so manipulative and covers it extremely well because he does gestures which make him look like a good person. I made the mistake for the first time in my life of trying to open up to him about how I feel because he began to take all the support I needed away from me in really manipulative ways. All that did was make it worse and I feel like I've lost all dignity and I am losing myself.

He blames my behaviour for what he is doing. I don't speak to him because of what he has done to me in the past, the way he treated me and now he just uses that as an excuse to treat me badly. I feel so stuck and like I've lost everything.

Sorry for the long post. I hope that anyone who has suffered from this, especially those who can't speak out are OK. I will never forgive my family for the way they have treated me and I can't believe he does it more when he knows how much it hurts me.

Anyway, stay strong to everyone out there. Live your life for you and no one else, and if you can get out of the situation, do it with everything you have. Good luck.

anon247619
Post 135

@anon244390: Is there any way you can leave your wife?

If she truly loved you she wouldn't treat you this way. She sounds horrible.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you are reaching out and I was saddened by what you said and wish I could give you a hug and be there as a friend.

You're in bad health and she acts like you have drug issues and says you're abusing her? What?

I would leave her but I guess you can't afford to, considering she makes more and you have kids. I'm so sorry! You're trapped with a horrible women.

Jesuisprest1
Post 134

I can relate to what you are all saying. I am a 40 year old, educated lady working in a lecturing position. I should know better, but have allowed myself to be subjected to 15 years of verbal and financial abuse. The sad thing is, I feel that there is no way out. I have kids, but he controls the finances and keeps everything secret. We don't even have joint accounts.

If I question him in any way and don't do what he thinks I should, he screams and yells and becomes almost psychotic. I am called every name under the sun and he generally follows this with a few days of not speaking to me. Currently, this involves moving into a different room.

Tonight, he came home with flowers, but no apology. When I tried to talk about his last meltdown, he began with another and said, "you are never satisfied". I cannot leave because I have two autistic children and no funds whatsoever to begin again. I don't have family to support me and feel very isolated.

The worst part is, I am in a leadership role and adult students often come to me wanting advice. I feel pathetic and usefulness. My self esteem is shot. Please pray for me.

anydaangel
Post 131

@Help21: If you want to become a Christian, is this out of disrespect to your father for hurting you or a heartfelt desire?

It is true that Jesus Christ loves you and will accept you exactly as you are! You are beautiful and loved in His eyes, but even Christians aren't perfect - we only strive to be!

anon244390
Post 130

I have a verbally abusive wife, who accuses me of being physically abusive, and makes a big show in front of the kids as if I am. However, I have not been physically or verbally abusive to her. I have protected myself, and maybe answered back once or twice with an insult after being constantly berated, but even when that does happen, I quickly take back what I said, explaining within a few seconds that I said it out of hurt, but aside from that, I generally just take the abuse.

When she wants to divorce me and throw me out of the house, I find myself wavering between wanting to leave, and begging to stay. I do indeed love her deeply, but the abuse is just horrible. She expects me to just forget all about it with or without an apology, and she has called me horrible names, made terrible accusations, mixes some truth with things she knows about my past, things my family has said that she knows is hurtful and things she knows are sensitive issues.

She refuses to go to counseling with me, so I go by myself, and she gives me untold grief about me going because my sessions cost fifteen dollars she calls me selfish. She had two teenage kids when we met. I treat them as if they were my own, however she not only doesn’t appreciate it, but acts as if it’s my responsibility, and that our money problems are all my fault because I bring in a lot less than she does, as I have not finished college and she has and works as a professional.

I currently collect disability and am sick with liver disease. She calls me a lazy drug addict, even though I’m clean and sober except for prescribed meds I’m on. One of them is a pain med and I’m slowly titrating down on my dose to get off of it completely. She knows I’m ashamed of this and that I’m trying so hard to get off of it, yet she talks as if I am active in my addiction when I’m not. I’m getting free of my drug dependency with the help of a doctor. Otherwise, I’d be even sicker than I am now.

I feel horrible about myself. I’ve lost all my self esteem and the further down I go, the more “right” she is about what a loser I am. I don’t know what to do but just wanted to post that it’s not always men abusing women. Women can be pretty abusive to men at times, too.

anon237437
Post 129

I am verbally abused at home by my brother who calls me names such as fat, ugly, etc. But sometimes not only does my brother do it, but my mom joins in when my brother abuses me. Not only is he calling me names, but I've been punched to where I got a bloody nose. I've been hit with things and punched to where I had bruises. I've been burned with a lighter and he likes to try to catch my hair on fire while calling me names.

He threatens to kill me and says he hates my guts and just makes me feel I just don't know what to do. He steals from his own family, and doesn't care about anyone else. My mom only cares about one kid and that's him. It's like no one else even exists.

anon233451
Post 128

Gosh, I cannot believe all the stories of abuse on here. Why are you posting to a site which has no leader to answer you? It seems to me that you are in such denial about your problems, that you are only faking a plea for help.

Faking because you fear so much to do anything about it, that perhaps you think God or some magic fairy will see your post and come help you? Come on now, you all know you have to do something, right?

You have to do something that is going to create a real change. I want you to #1 go to the nearest women's shelter in your town. Call them on the phone. They will listen. They will give you an appointment with a free counselor. They will give you information and have you take part in classes to get your self-esteem back.

They will have you attend classes with other women, so you can know and feel that you are not alone. By seeing other beautiful people being abused and getting angry about how they are being treated, you will learn to get angry about the way you are being treated.

That anger will lead to actually doing something to get yourself out of these abusive relationships. I'm going to tell you right now, that no one deserves abuse. No one! You have to learn to set boundaries for yourself, because you believe you don't deserve it.

Yes, you have no money, nowhere to go, no family. Read Post 74 on this page. Hit Ctrl F and type in Post 74 and read that woman's success story. I, too, was in three separate abusive relationships. Three, yes I feel so stupid. How could I do that three times to myself? Twice more after suffering the first time?

Because my esteem was weak. I had no support system to keep me strong. My family had criticized me my whole childhood, so I always thought something in me made these men treat me so bad. I believed the awful things they said about me, even though I knew they weren't true and weren't fair.

You need counseling and women's support centers are the best place to start. Don't waste another day. Your life (and in many cases the children's) depends on it.

anon230624
Post 127

It's me from comment 124. Not only are my parents doing those things, but the morons at school are also just as bad.

P.S. Is it normal for parents to swear at their children so much and then make them feel guilty? Am I just overreacting? And I love them but I don't enjoy the abuse. Someone please help me!

anon229959
Post 126

Wow. I too, am in an abusive relationship. I have just found this site and have heard my story told repeatedly. I am no innocent, I am a recovering drunk, but sober for years. I live in a beautiful home, drive a nice car all provided by him. I am a wonderful, loving person who has been in this marriage-less relationship for 25 years. He is a partner at a very large law firm, on the outside he is thought of very well Even secretaries of 30 years think he's the best. He has been divorced twice, with cheating and emotional abuse as the reasons for the divorces. I believe he has cheated on me as well. I know for sure he has at the very least cheated through cybersex. He vehemently denies cheating when he went on an overnight trip with vaseline.

It was recently brought to my attention that he has a special, intimate relationship with a woman at work, whom he has never mentioned. She called me after he had a serious illness and advised me of this "special relationship." He called and emailed her from his private bathroom, out of my hearing based on a mutual sick friend. He realized the phone call was recorded on our answering machine, and he could not get to it fast enough to delete it.

He has been both emotionally and physically abusive in private and public, accusing me of being drunk when I have not had a drink in years. It is all about him his work status and that he is nothing more than my banker. I took care of his ailing parents better than my own for 25 years, I worked for the first 12 years of our relationship, he charged me rent, I cooked, cleaned, entertained his parents every weekend, sometimes weekdays, etc. I am very ill and have no financial resources, and feel trapped. I also turn the other cheek, walk away from rageathons and am followed and constantly threatened and harassed. He is a horrible little boy in a big man's body.

He was emotionally abusive to his elderly father at the end and now is in a major depression and guilt- ridden. He takes it out on me. He has thrown me out of my house. My house, hah. He's a smart lawyer, and my name is on nothing. I felt I deserved it because I drank.

I found thousands of the most disturbing porno images on our computer on our 23rd anniversary which he forgot about. He is so sick. The stuff is collected, coded and hidden. We just had our 25 year anniversary, but I got nothing, no card, no presents, no acknowledgment. I realize all of his issues are projected onto me, but the wounds are deep. I have turned into something I never was and now delight in punishing him by spending money, not wildly, but it is out of spite, which is so wrong.

I want to be free and meet and love someone for the rest of my life. Once I was vibrant and productive, and now am stuck on the corner of hopeless and angry. I am looking for prince charming to take care of me. I am an only child who has worked since age 11 to help a single alcoholic mom whom I had to leave at 16 because of abuse.

She died in 2003 tragically and unexpectedly, but my buddy lawyerboy was hateful and told me I had no home to come back to as she lay dying for weeks. He did manage to choke up and come to where she lived for the funeral and was nice to me. He buys things to make up and stupid, materialistic me falls for it. I hope I win the lottery or meet a real man someday. Thanks for listening.

anon229880
Post 125

As a child my father was verbal, physical and sexually abusive to me and my sisters. He always told us we would never amount to anything and we were worthless.

When I turned 19 I married a guy from high school. That marriage lasted for less than two years, because when I was pregnant with our son, he cheated with my younger sister. He was also verbally abusive, always blaming things on me and everything that happened was my fault.

I met and married another man when I was 23 years old. At first he was very loving to me, then as time went by he became physically abusive to me. He was going out and getting drunk all days through the week and coming home at all hours of the night. Sometimes he would bring someone home and want me to sleep with them in front of him. If I did not, then he would slap me and force himself on me.

He has stopped drinking now, but the verbal abuse has been going on for years and has only gotten worse. I am told no one cares about me as much as he does. Seems I cannot do anything right. I just recently had a few teeth pulled three days ago and have been taking pain pills because of the pain in my jaw from them being extracted. He calls me lazy and says I am just soaking it, and that tomorrow he will make sure I clean the house and that the party is over.

What party? If there was a party I wasn't invited to it.

I used to be outgoing and full of life. Now all I do is hide in my bedroom all day and I do not want to leave the house. We have not slept in the same bedroom for over three years and he hasn't touched me but twice in over a year now. I have gained over 100 pounds total over the years I have been with him. I feel I have lost myself.

He puts me down and when I get upset, he says he was only joking and calls me a big baby.

I have confronted him about a lot of issues over the past. I even have left him on a few occasions but I keep coming back.

I always said I would be nothing like my mother, taking the abuse from my father like she did. But all in all, I guess I am more like her than I would like to admit.

anon225956
Post 124

My parents always swear at me and make me feel like dirt. My mum yells at me for nothing and when I tell her about my self-esteem she tells me that she hates it when I 'manipulate her'. My dad always swears angrily at me with words that I don't think people would use on their worst enemy and then acts all sorry and makes me feel guilty.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I have clinical depression but can't tell my parents.

anon225098
Post 123

My dad he yells at the littlest things I do wrong. Like one time I accidentally dropped the cast iron pot in the sink and he yelled at me and all I could do was sit there and take it. He used to yell at me for things I didn't even do. I remember he hit me in july in the back of my head because I told him to shut up. He mocked me and said, "kris tell them I'm taking her out of the program (I work at an aquarium) because (changes voice into whiny one) it's too hard. My feet hurt."

Se had this argument about me cleaning the basement and he started lecturing me on how to do it right and we exchanged threats to kill each other and he hit me upside the head. My dad's response? "Sometimes parents need to knock some sense into their kids" and my sister goes "It's not abuse if it doesn't leave a mark." Um yeah, it is; it's just harder to prove.

My sister sometimes calls me fat. She walked up the stairs wearing leggings and I asked, "How come you can wear leggings and I can't?" and she goes, "Well I'm also skinnier than you so lose 30 pounds and we'll talk about it" and when Nicole, my other sister. was about my age, 15 or 16 (she's 22 now) he would drag her across the floor, and she says she deserved it. I said, "No, Nicole. Wven if you did deserve it he has no right to do that!" Even if it was seven years ago.

Because of him I'm negative, have low self esteem issues, and can't trust anybody, and he scares me. So is this verbal abuse or what? and what should I do?

anon223417
Post 122

Get away from the people who abuse you. That's the only way you will teach yourself that you are better.

mlj
Post 121

I recently had a nine and a half-year relationship end. It was my boyfriend’s choice. We lived together in his house. I was just recovering from six blood clots and had been out of work for six months. We don’t have short term disability where I work, so after I depleted my savings, I was forced to go to my boyfriend for help. I have two daughters, 28 and 18, who weren’t coming over at first, but when I got a new blood clot while I was on the Coumadin, they came over more. My boyfriend ran them down when they didn’t come over, but then complained when they did come over. They didn’t do anything right. I guess he felt that paying a few of my bills gave him the right to put my daughters down, which he did on a regular basis already.

My oldest daughter has three children, so he constantly picked on my grandchildren as well. He criticized her parenting skills. He got upset if I spent time with my mother. My brother came to visit from Florida and he gave the ok to have a dinner for him at our house since I had been sick and then he went out of town. Respect is a big deal in my family and he is aware of that. We are both in our late 40s, so he knows, and as I said, we had been together a long time and they found that to be so disrespectful. He comes from a family where he has four other siblings but they are not close. He criticizes my family for all the gatherings we have but there are a lot of us. My mom had nine brothers and sisters, and there are four of them left. He said family was never a big deal to him and he said we were not going to work if I couldn’t make him my life.

He didn’t want me to go to school because it would take me away from the house too long. When I spend time with my mother, he says since you love your mom so much, why don’t you live with her? When I was recovering from my blood clots, he said, “I thought you said if you ever had time off from work this house would be immaculate? Well you’ve been home for six months and this house is far from immaculate!” When he decided I had to move, he said he gave me almost 10 years to change. He said I had too much family and I did too much for others. He himself has five grandchildren and between the two of us we had eight grandchildren, but he didn’t want to watch them or spend much time with them. If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have seen them. He said this way I could see them when I wanted and he didn’t have to be the bad guy. He said he couldn’t handle my children and it was too much for him.

Believe me: I take my responsibility for the relationship failing as well. I’m sure there are things I should have changed, and been more balanced. I did spend time with my boyfriend as well, but it didn’t balance itself out to him. He didn’t seem to like that people I work with all love me and they missed me while I was gone. Even the patients. He said if they lived with me they wouldn’t love me so much. I felt we could work things out, but he didn’t want to try.

I am seeking professional help to help me with my issues, but he doesn’t think he needs it. I’ve often told him that he needs a woman who has no family, no children and no friends. It seemed that all the things he loved about me when he met me turned out to be the reason why he could no longer live with me in the end.

amypollick
Post 120

@anon199827: Obviously, you know your husband's behavior is completely inappropriate. I'm going to play Dear Abby here and ask if he's seen his doctor lately. If not, encourage him to go. Something may be out of whack, since the behavior has escalated.

However, because of the hard times you've had in your family, I cannot recommend counseling strongly enough. You've got a lot of living ahead and you don't want to spend it feeling bad about yourself and not having dealt completely with those emotions surrounding the deaths of your loved ones. If your husband is willing to go with you, great. If not, go alone. Print out your comment and take it with you so the counselor can read it. It's a concise look at the current state of your marriage.

Please, for your sake, get some counseling on how to deal with this situation. Good luck.

anon199827
Post 119

I have been married for almost 35 years to a usually decent man. We have always had fights over his jealousy and his nasty comments that are meant as “jokes”. He has deep seated issues (I think) because his mother, according to him, was a lousy housekeeper and always “pretended” to be sick right before his dad came home from work. So any clutter in the house is construed as filth and mess to him.

We moved 800 miles south because that’s where we decided that we wanted to retire someday, but the economy crashed and we didn’t sell our other house so we have been making two house payments for three and a half years. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are basically superficial as all my good friends are up north. He works and plays golf, so he has a social life outside of his home life.

Yesterday, after making blueberry muffins and chicken soup for lunch after he came home from golf, he remarked “You’re lazy. I like chicken soup with more celery”. I said the soup was a mix and he said “next time you make it, call me and I will chop up some vegetables for you since you are too lazy to do it” and then he made little chopping motions with his hands and smiled a sick smile, knowing that I was offended. He then immediately opens a book or something to say “hey look at this” or make a comment that will “magically erase” what he just said. I said, “If I were lazy, I wouldn’t worry so much about our finances or do anything for you” (We have had two major repairs between our car and the air conditioning system) and to this he replied “I was only joking” (and everyone I know can vouch that I am a clean housekeeper). I went into my bedroom and locked the door to be alone as I always do when I receive an uncalled for comment from him and although I hate to cry, I do.

I decided to write him a note telling him that his comment was rude and mean spirited and that our son has also complained that he makes rude, uncalled for remarks designed to make a person feel bad about themselves. His reply to my note was “I have been very generous to the both of you” etc., as if this is the price that we must pay for accepting anything from him. I really would rather that he do nothing, give me nothing and never tell me that he loves me if only he would treat me with respect and kindness and I have told him this on many occasions.

I feel that his hormones have changed (he is 59) and that he has become more aggressive and nasty and resentful of everyone because of it. It doesn’t matter that I had a full hysterectomy two years ago, no hormone replacement, and yet he is the one who has the mood swings and loves making insulting remarks to people (not just me). I suffer from low self esteem anyway. My mother took her own life when I was 15 and this was after she left our family four years earlier so I suffer from abandonment issues. My older brother died in a car wreck 11 years later, then 10 years after that my surviving sibling a younger brother took his life and then finally my father died in a car wreck 10 years after that on Christmas Eve. 2004. Every 10 years I have had a major tragedy in my family since the age of 15. My husband knows of all of this and yet never cuts me any slack.

When we argue, it is always my fault and his comments are peppered with words such as “you never” or “you always”. He cannot argue about the issue at hand, but must always bring up everything and anything that he can from the past to somehow bolster his position. By the time he is done throwing everything he can on the crap pile he has me so upset that I have threatened suicide just to escape the insanity of living with someone who is a master manipulator!

I did not get a college degree. No, my family was so fractured when I was growing up (my mother left, and then my younger brother had to go live with an aunt because he was expelled from school and he had zero supervision at home because me and my older brother were in school while my dad worked) so all I wanted was a family to love and so we had our children (three sons) in very quick succession. They are now all in their 30s and know what I put up with.

I love my husband because he wasn’t always this way, this intense and verbally abusive, but he is slowly killing my feelings for him. I honestly feel that if it gets much worse, his abuse, my isolation (rather than destroying myself), I will have to be strong and leave him, even though I know that at first it would be very hard for him as well as me. Sometimes two people can care for each other at a distance much better than by living together.

I want to add that I have always taken very good care of myself. I am 53, but I weigh 125 and I never even wear tennis shoes or t-shirts, ever, because I always dress with class and he likes that. (hope that doesn’t offend anyone! It’s just not my style to be super casual).

He has not taken care of himself as he should. He never wears sunscreen and he is overweight, although he did quit smoking a little over a year ago and I was very happy about that. I would much rather him be heavier than to smoke. I do think that some of his nastiness can be attributed to the fact that he feels unattractive. Compliments that people have paid to me have always irked him, especially if someone jokingly says “Wow, you married out of your league” or something intended as a lighthearted gesture. I don’t particularly appreciate those comments either, because he then reports them to me, telling me how they hurt him.

I could go on and on, but I think I’ve given the general idea. I just do not understand why he is so drawn to insulting me to make himself feel clever or superior. This was not the man I married.

help21
Post 118

I live with my widowed dad and two younger sisters. My father always swears at me and discourages me when I do or try to do anything. I have developed very low self esteem and lack confidence to preform. I will be in my final year in university but if I do graduate I feel like I won't make it further to getting a job or continuing my education.

My sisters always support my dad when he talks against me. My dad favors and insists my sisters receive higher education but he plans to marry me off to some fool since I won't be able to support myself later in life. He is of Indian origin. I am also overweight due to three surgeries and illnesses but whenever I go to exercise he tells me to only do 15 minutes and get out. He really insists I stay fat then later criticizes me that I am a cow. He admires my sisters' figures but tells me I'm a ship and everyone joins in for the joke. I even tried committing suicide once but failed. I still plan to in order to be far away from him.

I'm also not allowed to choose a man I like. If he finds that I like a man, he fumes up and wants to hurt me. What should I do?

I don't even want to get my degree since I was literally forced to the major I hate or be married off! I need help please. Why doesn't he do the same to my sisters? Why me? Because of his controlling attitude toward me, he feels like a god. My sisters laugh at me. Why is he like this?

He just threatened me now to hurt me and called me a terrible name since I was checking my personal email and insisted that he should know who I talk to! I am 22 for Christ's sake! Yet he treats me like a baby and wants it that way.

I want to die and be far away from him and the rest. He already says I don't care about you. Yet he provides for me only to show people that he is a good dad. I even want to become a Christian. What should I do?

anon179979
Post 117

To amypollick: Thank you so much. Your words are hitting home. yesterday he dug his own grave in court. I didn't even have to help him. The judge couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth. This all is starting to feel as right as it should. I cannot wait for the peace already. I will read and reread your comment, it's so helpful, and empowering. thank you.

amypollick
Post 116

@harrypotter: You certainly have my sympathy and prayers. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you and may be able to help you find a counselor in your area who can assist you in getting through this very difficult time.

You are doing the right thing. When someone tells you something long enough, you start to believe it, but here's the truth: *He* has the problem, not you. *He* is the insecure, selfish, mentally unstable abuser, not you. This is all about *him.* No woman would be able to satisfy him. No woman could possibly meet his standards. They would be too pretty, not pretty enough, too clean, not clean enough, too smart, not smart enough. See where I'm going with this? There is nothing you could have done to satisfy him, because he doesn't *want* to be satisfied. The abuse is how he deals with relationships.

You are not being mean when you stand up for yourself. You're simply refusing to be a doormat any longer, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, that's the *right* thing to do!

I suspect you're a "fixer," which means you always want to fix the situation you're in. Some people and situations cannot be fixed. This is one of them, and you're not a bad or deficient person because you can't fix it. No one, short of the Lord God Almighty, is capable of fixing this man. And since you don't hold that position, there's no need to feel guilty because you can't fix this problem. The "fix," in fact, is to do exactly what you're doing, which is getting this evil man out of your life!

Hold your head up high and take pride in the fact that you're getting out! The truth is *you* deserve better than this creep! You are better than that. This is the healthy, positive, right, appropriate course of action for you to take. Good luck.

harrypotter
Post 115

I'm so sad today. i feel so lonely, and i need strength to continue through with this divorce. I know with a whole heart that i am doing the right thing. but why does it feel so bad? after all, i was pushed, pulled, choked, and lied to over and over, and yet i still always wanted to save him. What's wrong with me? why is it that some people wouldn't tolerate this and some people just keep going back for more?

i need clarity on who i am and what it is i am seeking. i need to be nice all the time and i feel like a mean person when i take a stand or take control. i was told that if i didn't look the way i do then he wouldn't get so upset. he says I'm too pretty and he feels immense jealousy. someone once told him how lucky he is to be married to me and he got furious. he said to me 'why does this person think i don't deserve you?'

I'm so tired of feeling so low and trying to be so strong. Someone help me please. i have four kids that i need to be healthy for. He's draining the heck out of me. the abuse goes from sarcasm, to telling me what a piece of crap i am, to telling me he wishes i would die.

harrypotter
Post 114

these posts are so helpful. on one hand i know one hundred percent that what I'm doing is right: I'm leaving after a long abusive marriage. but guilt is so scary. I wish my kids would say leave! i love them and deep down i know they will be happier but i worry about it so much.

anon178284
Post 113

To anon80527: Sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship. Love shouldn't feel so terrifying and miserable like that. If he says nasty things when you come home or makes you feel little, that's not worth all the money in the world. Would he ever get help?

anon171609
Post 112

so i have always been verbally abused as in being called vulgar, obscene names and my dad often says I'm going to fail in life if i don't do things his way pretty much.

So, i went for a walk and didn't come back because i was gathering myself to stand up against him because in the past, he has been physical and i knew he would be in that situation.

Everything failed and my stepmom told him i was depressed. So, he turned to me and told me if i was so depressed, then i should stick a gun in my mouth and shoot. O.K., what the hell?

anon168139
Post 111

So many here have posted stories that show a need for help but nobody seems to be answering. I want to say that there are private, not for profit organizations with various names that can provide a trained person to talk with you and help you find a way to get you and your children out of such damaging living conditions.

I know of two such organizations called the Wild Iris Women’s Center, but they can have anything in their names, such as domestic abuse center, etc. In another town it is the dove center. Call the non emergency number for the police and ask if there is a support center for abused women. Most towns have something like that. Also the Salvation Army offices usually have info on such services.

Don’t let it go because children who witness abuse are in danger of being a victim or an abuser themselves. Besides, there is great damage to a child’s self esteem when s/he is talked to this way. And your own comfort and self esteem is worth saving, too. There is no excuse for it and there is no way that anything you or the children do is causing it. Get help and you are in my prayers and thoughts.

anon167096
Post 110

I'm not really sure if my father is verbally abusive or not. He is a police officer and I once told him that what he has been doing is verbal abuse and he just said, "that's complete bull bleep, verbal abuse doesn't even bleepin exist."

I just started noticing this a few years ago but he never does anything around the house and when my sister and i ask him about it, he yells at us and says that he pays for the house and that we would have nothing without him.

He and my mother have been divorced since i was two and he always blames my mom for things and says that he's had to work two jobs since we were little trying to support out dumb bleeps and that our mom hasn't done bleep to help, and that if we want to go live like trash then we can go live with her.

my father has called me a retard, an ungrateful brat and a lot of other things. i can be a brat sometimes, but it's just the normal teenage attitude but i usually try to keep to myself.

my father has shoved me before and uses fear for motivation for me and my sister.

I'm very tired of this and it has actually sent me into a spiraling depression. i have thoughts of suicide and have actually started cutting myself. I just feel worthless and have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Please tell me what i can do. I don't want him to get in trouble but i can't be this way anymore. it's truly destroying me.

anon159880
Post 108

I have been married for seven years and share four children (two of my children are from another father, my first husband).

My current husband and his 12 year old stepson share a very challenging relationship! If I want to help them my husband tells me to stop interfering and almost every time my husband will call me names and tell me to get off my lazy butt! This he will say in front of our children! My 12 year old hates how he treats me and often ends up in tears. Today my husband hit my 12 year son in his face. And I am not allowed to "interfere".

Any advice will be appreciated. I am suffering from low self esteem, depression and am thinking of moving out. If I ask him to move out, he will say, "No, you move. I am not going anywhere."

anon154425
Post 106

My boyfriend is always telling me about how much his mother is rude to him and his sister. She calls them losers and often says horrible things about one child to the other. But, having a good relationship with his sister, they exchange everything that is said and he, in turn, tells me.

I realized that this is horrible verbal abuse and she is so abusive to him that he does not even know how a real mother is supposed to act. It is sad really, because I have a great mom and it seems unfair to me that people all over the world don't know what it is like to have loving parents as I do.

LostinTexas
Post 105

I am 59 years old and my daughter, Courtney, age 30, has been verbally abusive for about five years now. I am extremely concerned about how it has gone from verbal to threatening.

My daughter moved me from my home in NJ to live nearby her in Texas. I watch my granddaughter about 36 hours a week and clean her house, do all her laundry and prepare the evening meals. In exchange she pays me so I can live in an apartment in a senior complex. I just barely have enough money to get by. Sometimes I am forced to go to the food bank because I only have about $29 a week for groceries and paper products. She also "bought" me a car to replace the one my son-in-law deserted out in Georgia, leaving me without any transportation.

I didn't watch the grandchildren yesterday and she texted me, "Thanks for the time you have spent with Audrey (my 4 year old granddaughter) and she will be making arrangements for picking up my car this week." So now I am going to be left here with no money and no transportation. Often we go for a month or more without even talking to one another. I go over to watch Audrey and she looks right past me like I am invisible. Then eventually I break down in tears and tell her how much I love her and how silly it is for us to get into these arguments and it blows over for awhile.

I think the threat she made that leaves me terrified, worse than the thought of becoming homeless, was when she told me on Mother's Day to go up on her roof and jump off and if I'm not dead to go up and jump off until I am. I am scared but dependent on her financially and don't want to never see my two grandchildren again. What can I do?

I also want to say she can be very generous at times. We recently went to Houston for a vacation and the second night we were all in PJ's about to go to bed and she started again, it's like it comes out of nowhere, and she told her husband that they were going home and leaving me in Houston (we live in Austin) I went out to the car when they were loading the luggage and got in with the kids praying they would take me home. She did. But I am afraid one day she will follow through with her threats. Also her husband does whatever she tells him and just says, " Oh, she doesn't mean it. that's just Courtney."

anon151135
Post 104

My husband is like so many of the men described here. He was charming and wonderful at first, but it did not last. On my wedding day, my dad asked me if I wanted to change my mind, knowing a bit about my husband's temper and issues with jealousy.

I cried some but still said "No."

Now, after less than a year of marriage, he is often in a foul mood and very critical of others. On bad days he is explosive, with an unpredictable temper. Name-calling, swearing, belittling, blaming, throwing things. It happens a couple times a month, sometimes more. The force of his anger leaves our dog cowering and shaking.

If I try to leave the house, he will stand in front of the door and bargain and apologize or sometimes follow me. We are expecting our first baby in a couple months. I don't want anyone to hear how he speaks to me, much less this completely innocent little person I've hoped to have my whole life.

A counselor once told him name-calling was not abuse and he holds that up to be the truth whenever I confront the issue directly. I am not scared to leave, I just feel so disappointed and embarrassed. --mom2be

anon149473
Post 103

I am pretty sure I am being verbally abused. It started small and infrequent and now it seems as though the fights are happening at least two to four times a month. He flies off the handle at almost anything and the fights last, on average, three hours with nothing resolved and me crying. He says he will go to counseling but it's been two years and nothing. He also says there is no way possible he can be verbally abusive because he had to go through psychiatric evals for the military and he passed and that he has been to counseling for anger management so I have no idea what I am talking about.

I told him we both need to go to counseling because me going on my own isn't going to fix all the problems. He told me I don't have any clue how bad I could have it and that I am lucky to not live in West Virginia because I would be in trouble for disrespecting my husband.

I have told him that I think he is pathetic because he is more concerned about his happiness in a job over supporting his kids. We have lost three houses and twi vehicles because I can't sustain us on my own and his income doesn't pay for much. Everything is my fault and he never claims responsibility for anything. I am now battling severe depression on my own and have managed to alienate all of my friends and family, this has been going on for six years.

I watched the lifetime movie 'Dangerous Child' yesterday. I am sure I am being paranoid, but a 16 year old boy began physically abusing his mother after listening to years of verbal abuse by the father. I have two boys and a girl, I don't want them growing up thinking this is okay. I feel like I am at war with myself. I know this is wrong, I know I shouldn't be treated like this, I know I need to either get major counseling or get out, yet I wonder if maybe this is all my fault, maybe I am making things up like his says? Am I crazy or is he trying to confuse me?

lexsc319
Post 102

I am almost 24 years old, and I live with my boyfriend. I've lived at his house for about six months, ever since my grandmother passed away. We've been together almost a year now. I can't believe I've put up with the mistreatment for so long.

I want out but I feel unable to make it on my own. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before this guy and I guess I've just become accustomed to it. I feel like I have to have him in my life even though he is so mean to me.

It started out with him ignoring me anytime I'd get upset. If I voiced a concern he would ignore me and say "I'm not getting into an argument with you." That's why no problems have ever been resolved in our relationship. He gets mad and cusses at me and slams things around every time I try to have a "serious" conversation with him. A lot of times he leaves me there crying and spins tires in his truck when he leaves the house.

He always finds a way to blame me for the way he mistreats me. Like it's my fault that he's so mean. Now every time I cry he tells me to "shut up (along with a few cuss words) and quit being a baby." He tells me I'm too sensitive and acting like a five year old. He punched a hole in the bathroom door once and then told his mom it was my fault. He has serious anger issues, when things don't go his way and it's never his fault. He won't take personal responsibility for any of his actions.

He won't answer my questions (they are reasonable questions) and accuses me of interrogating him, but yet he has the right to go through all my text messages and read them. He even twisted my arm once trying to get my phone out my hand. He accuses me of cheating but I have never done that; if I had I surely wouldn't still be with him!

I try to be so nice to him. I am affectionate and loving but most of the time, he tries to get away from me when I try to kiss or hug him. I tell him I love him and he doesn't say anything. I do so much for him. I clean his house and wash clothes and I buy him gifts and I get treated like dirt in return.

He used to want to be with me all the time, and I was allowed to have no friends, but now he's going out with his friends five or six nights a week and not coming home till after 11 p.m. or midnight, even later on weekends. If I text/call him while he's out he either ignores me or says something mean back.

I went to college and he didn't and I never act better than him but he resents the fact that I am more educated that he is and he picks on me for it. He also says mean things to me then plays it off by saying "I'm just kidding, lighten up."

He is rude, too. We could be having a conversation in the car and I'm mid-sentence and someone calls him and he immediately picks up and cuts me off when I'm trying to say something!

I'm so tired of him treating me this way and everyone thinks I should leave him but I'm so desperate for him to love me like he did the first few months of our relationship. He didn't come home Christmas eve or Christmas day until after midnight but I'm not allowed to be upset by that! He says I am the best girl he's ever had, yet he never says sorry for anything! I'm tired of crying over the way he makes me feel.

anon137004
Post 100

I'm 15 and my dad is always yelling at me. the only time we talk is when he is telling me to do something or yelling at me. he yells at me for the simplest things, like not closing the curtains or leaving the door open.

When my mum does these things, he doesn't care but when i do them he goes off. for example one time my mum was playing with the dog on the new floor and he just laughed but the next day i did it and he yelled at me and starting going on about how expensive the floor is.

This happens a lot (yelling at me for doing things that my mum does). he also stands up for her even when she is clearly in the wrong. he blows everything out of proportion and turns the littlest things into a big deal. he also brings in other situations to our arguments. for example, today i yelled at my dog for chasing birds and he started yelling at me for not walking him, and that i replaced our old dog by getting this new one. he then said i should be reported for neglecting my dog by not walking it today.

i don't know if this counts as verbal abuse, so can someone please tell me?

anon136780
Post 99

I am 48 years old, and from the beginning of our honeymoon, I understand who I married. He was a sick, violent psychotic. I left him after one month of living together. In my apartment he was nice, caring.

Finally I gave a birth to a beautiful baby girl. Neither my husband nor his parents showed up. I left him. He didn't give us a penny.

My daughter was born with a heart defect, and had an immediate operation. I brought her with me to the USA, and she got open heart surgery. It all was done because of my desperate look and cry for help. I will make my story shorter. Now we live in USA for 20 years. I do everything for her, but start to understand that when I have the money, she loves me, but when the money is finished, she is looking for a reason to make me feel bad about myself.

I am fighting with bipolar disorder, and instead of helping me (that can be twice a year) she is telling me that I am a stupid idiot, Me, who has three master's degrees and who got her into a private college. She didn't move a finger to write three essays in college. I did everything for her. And continued to write an essay.

I had spine surgery, and the surgeon put in a spinal neurostimulator and after that I needed to stay in bed for a long time. She accused me of playing games and not satisfying her wishes. I live without simple love from my daughter. She not interested if I am still breathing or not. She never asked me if I am OK and maybe I want to eat something.

Only she deserves to have nice lunches, dinners or suppers, not me or my mother who is 76 years old. I have to carry her food into her room where she is watching her favorite show and she verbally abused me so we keep our mouths shut and do not disturb her.

After a few days she saw that I am crying and assured me that she would help me solve all the problems, just to write them down on a piece of paper.

I need to be ready by 10 a.m. to start working tomorrow. Instead she was sleeping because her party finished at 5 a.m. Next day the same story happen again. When I reminded her about her promise to help, she became so angry, abusive and violent. "I need to rest on my vacation and you don't let me live my own life."

Then she start crushing things around herself, broke a few things from my table and finally punched me with her fist on my head. I was covering my face with my hands and called my mother for help. She went away from the house and I was crying for two days. I was doing all for her happy future.

When she is sick, I am always there for her. My life was devoted to her. For the last three days I am thinking that if someone killed me I will be happy, because I wouldn't never do something bad to myself. All is hopeless. I never got a manicure for me for 20 years, but my daughter has one every week.

Help me, please. I don't understand who's right and who's wrong. I am afraid to stay with my daughter in the apartment alone.

anon136623
Post 98

I just ended a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and I am feeling like an idiot for letting it go on for so long. I wish I had come across this website earlier. So many similar stories

He would call me names all the time, filthy whore, slut, prostitute and worse. He once said, "you bleeps are all the same," which at least gave me a sense that he had some bigger underlying issues. He would call me awful names and then he would say "you are what you are". The irony is that he is the one who is obsessed with sex! I can't count the number of times that I would have to ask that we did not have sex for a night. He would get offended and angry if I denied him when he was wanting it. He would say "That's mine - i can do whatever i want".

He used to apologize for how awful he was to me. But, the longer the relationship went on, the more he justified it. According to him, I deserved it. The longer I let it go on, the more I was saying, "it is okay to do this to me.” I believe that he should know how to treat people but he does not understand that. He thinks that if he "tries to get away with" treating you badly and you call him out on it, stand up and get him to stop, then you deserve to be treated well because he can't "manipulate the system". But if you let him do it, then you are the fool, and you deserve it. He was manipulative in every situation, not just our relationship.

He would go through my phone, through all of the contacts and messages and if he didn't find anything he would accuse me of erasing messages and say that he "couldn't trust me". He sent hurtful text messages to people in my phone pretending to be me. He even sent one to a friend of mine saying that i had slept with her husband and justified it saying "she's a slut."

He said i never told the truth, and would harass and interrogate me whenever he wanted to find something that he could use against me later. He found out everything about my past - because in the beginning i trusted him - later he used it all against me. He twisted everything in my life into something negative and would bring things up over and over daily in arguments.

He broke my computer, threw away clothes of mine, broke down a bathroom door, and he never fixed anything he broke. He was always hurtful and he would apologize and by the next breathe he would be justifying it, "You pushed me! You know how i get!"

He talked down about all of my friends, it was always just us. If we did do something with a friend or two he would always be sure to let me know afterward that he had "done it for me and that it sucked" - just to make sure i knew that i "owed him".

Early in our relationship, he would threaten to slap me or to "punch my teeth into the back of my throat" because I "wouldn't shut up" when he told me to or because i "wouldn't do" whatever else it was he told me to. Later, his threats became worse. He threatened to throw me off of a balcony, and said we should go camping "somewhere remote and he would bring a shovel.”

Within the last month he said he had a change of heart and was ready for marriage and kids. I believed in him. The first weekend after that, we had a bad fight. He came over and started choking me, and he left bruises on my neck. He threw me against the wall, the bed. I still feel sore -- like i have whiplash. Even so, I thought it was my fault because i went out to dinner with friends and didn't invite him. We started to talk about moving in together, but i saw he was just mean all the time. We would wake up and he was mean, all day long he was mean. He told me i couldn't be friends with someone I recently met (a guy), and i started to think: this will not be my future. This is not healthy.

I ended the relationship two days ago. I am angry at myself for not standing up to him more. I still believe that people should do the right thing. You cannot control anyone. I can't make someone do the right thing. At some point i will slip up, i won't catch something devious, i won't ask the right question, and at the end of the day all of that distrust is too much energy and a waste of time that could be spent on enjoying life with a loving caring honest person.

If you have children, please leave him for them. It only takes one moment for him to turn on them and think of the kind of emotional or physical damage that could be done.

anon131717
Post 97

I've been with my husband for almost nine years now. Married for twp of those years (almost three). In the beginning of our relationship, he was very mean and admitted to being manipulative. I was 19. I met him at the same time I had the worst year of my life (family kicked me out, losing a loved one to death, losing my mom to drugs and losing my baby sister to CPS because of it). I didn't have a license, no place to live. I felt stranded already, with nobody.

I met my husband through my mom and one of her suppliers. My husband (obviously) wasn't into drugs, he is just related to my mom's supplier. Anyhow, I gained lots of weight when we first started dating and he told me he was attracted to me because of it and refused to be intimate with me.

He has always called me names such as "stupid" or tells me I don't care about him when all I do is revolved around him. I take care of everything and make life as easy as possible for him.

He constantly has tried to (and successfully) changed me from the day we met. I am now 100 percent independent, for sure. Am I happy? No. I believe everything is my fault because he tells me it is. If he makes me cry, he seems to be annoyed with it, as he does not comfort me. Only asks why I'm crying and when I tell him, he says "You hurt yourself" or "You made yourself cry."

After reading these comments and the article above, I recognize that I may be verbally abused by my husband and I am waiting and waiting for him to change, like the article says. I am just scared and feel alone. I don't want to make a mistake by leaving him or divorcing him.

He refuses to seek therapy as he says he can manipulate the therapist because they're "stupid." I am seriously thinking about therapy for myself and hope to God that they help me realize what I really need to do.

anon131494
Post 96

I am a male who spent many years in a verbally abusive relationship. The problem was that I did not recognize it as such. The abuse did not come in the form of direct verbal assaults on my appearance, or actions, etc., but rather through a prolonged attack on my character and twisting my thoughts into a different reality.

She would take what I said and twist it beyond recognition to a point where it cast doubt in my own mind. She would spend hours and hours taking the words I said and twisting them. Then there were the direct attacks on my character, and then periods of long silence where she wouldn’t interact with me at all. This was torment. It destroyed my spirit.

But here is the complicated part: I always left feeling that if I had just said something differently, or in a different way, it would have been all right. I never shouted and any explanation I would give was dismissed as “not possible” and then I would try it again. Over and over in a cycle. I spent two years with a very good therapist talking about this, explaining to my therapist that, “no, you don’t understand, it’s me, I am not doing something right. I am just not explaining it to you well enough.” Always I would look at me, rather than her actions.

No one would ever talk to anyone in the way she talked to me. Again, this is important, not in traditional verbal attacks on appearance, or in the form of jokes, etc., but rather in a slow, complicated manner that was abusive. It took two years for me to finally admit, that yes, the woman I love and continue to love, verbally abused me.

It wrecked my self confidence and spirit that I am just now regaining. We are split, and it is painful. I couldn’t understand why. Why would she do this? Her motivations seemed to be cast in a light of love, but it was terrible. How could this be? There is no answer. That is the worst part: not knowing why. I guess my point is, to caution that the abuse can take some very unlikely tracks, so be alert. And if in doubt, find someone you trust to talk it over with, and don’t deny a reality.

anon128543
Post 95

I have been with my husband for nine years. I was 20 he was 32. He was my first. The verbal didn't start until two months into it. The further we went along the more it got worse, and it started with a slap. He promised never to do it again.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I drink and I smoke which he doesn't do. We now have a five year old two year old and another on the way. Six months after i had my two year old I cheated with someone I knew. I shouldn't have but it was so hard to resist the feeling of being wanted, cared for, "loved". I ruined our business, home, and I almost lost my kids because I just didn't care anymore. I also started to take pills, not that I was addicted to them like a lot of people are.

Now we are living with his mother, which he hates. He was so angry and confused that we just packed up and left. Things haven't gotten better only worse. He always says that he is getting a divorce and that I'm the worst mistake that he has ever made. He has been married two times before and said that they ended because they cheated on him.

I'm blamed for everything and when I do defend myself, it's that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions. He has called the cops on me for drinking at home with the kids, but I would never do anything to hurt them. He says that I don't care about anybody but myself. I feel like I am going crazy. Is it me, am i too young. please help. My family is far away and I think they are tired of me talking and not doing.

amypollick
Post 94

@Anon125988: No, you do not have to stay. If you are in the US, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). If you are in the UK, call 0808 2000 247. These people can help you make good decisions about getting out of this man's clutches. Call them for your own safety and well being.

anon125988
Post 93

I just can't believe so many people are being abused. I too, am 'stuck.' I have lost friends, family and feel lost and alone. I find it difficult to exercise, clean house or get out of bad. This is not me. I am a squash player, a runner, a friend and a great sister.

My husband has beat me, and caused my family great pain. He has called my friends, family and lied to people about me. He actually told my brother a story about me -- true or untrue. My brother in turn told my sisters and mother I was a slut. That was about four months ago.

I have never spoken to one sister or my brother again.

My husband is addicted to sex. I have to give him some kind of sexual activity most days or he is angry. It doesn't last long but is disgusting. When he is drunk he uses his hands to try to make me "feel good". The only thing it does for me is hurt me.

He calls me names, says my family knows now what I am. Threatens to tell them things about me so I will lose them. He is facing charges for DV for the second time and I still continue to feel sorry for him.

He has left me alone without money in unfamiliar cities, he has chased my car to hit me, broken doors, window, night tables, walls. Thrown wine in my face, threatened to leave me with nothing, saying he will sell everything at a loss to mess me up. Walk away from his business just to ensure I have a horrible life. I have to stay, don't I?

anon124290
Post 92

I split up with my ex 12 years ago. we have two children who were just two and four at the time. He has made it very difficult for me to bring up his children, trying to put them out of house and home (I bought the house) and he still says 12 years later that I stole a house from him (we moved in together and I later purchased it).

He has never had the children for a weekend, saying 'I'm not babysitting for you' even though they are his children. He's never paid money for them saying 'You just want my money to buy a BMW'. He would stand outside the house and shout 'Slag! You're a *** slag. get a council house you council house scum!'

He smashed windows (when the children were inside and terrified) and I have done nothing except be nice to him and do my best to raise the children single handed without any family, friends or support network. Any conversation about the children would descend into verbal abuse with 'You're a slag everybody hates you,' so I realised I couldn't communicate with this person, and haven't for many years, but the text and letters through my door (stupid letters that blame, accuse me, call me names).

Well it doesn't stop even though we've been separated for 12 years. The hardest bit is failure to understand how these people can be so irrational! They are not reasonable human beings. They distort the truth in their warped minds. He would say 'You planned to get pregnant from being age 15 so you could steal a house from someone'. Totally twisted.

When we were together for five years he never did a thing, he didn't lift a finger, I did everything. He went to work and watched TV. I worked also as well as the housework, cooked and cleaned and bathed and raised the kids, and decorated and he did nothing. I still get abuse.

I ignored all his texts then replied saying I hadn't read them as I have a new phone/different number but as I was writing a paper on abuse it would all be good research and he could continue with my old number. Well the stupid text 'Hahaha you went to university but can't get a job' and 'You are sick meeting men on the internet' (never have), etc. stopped for a while. But he's found my home phone has text facility and the last one just yesterday said 'People will find out you're a prostitute' (I'm not). But our 14 year old son read this first.

I thought I was stuck with this, but I called the police after that and asked if there was anything I could do to stop him contacting me. They came and took it very seriously, took a statement and will warn him off. If he continues they will arrest him and pursue court action. I'm sure I'll still get some come back. Because it is about 'winning' to them. Not paying money is 'winning,' putting me down is 'winning,' getting one up on me is 'winning,' blaming me is 'winning.'

I am a strong person, very independent but a text out of the blue can really get you down. I'm hoping that finally I may be free, thanks to police intervention.

anon124140
Post 91

I have been with the same man for about five years now. In the beginning it was really great. Then he started not coming home at night, sometimes for a few days. I would get mad and he would tell me he is a man deal with it. So I did and now when I want to go out with my friends he tells me that I don't need to go out and it's a huge fight.

He breaks things of mine and tells me that it's my fault that I act like his mother. That what I do is no good at all from cooking to cleaning. I told him a few times that I am going to leave and he said go ahead, that I would not make it without him in my life and that I wouldn't have anything.

He tells me that I am too thin and that I am ugly and that no guy will want to be with me that I am an ugly duckling. thank you all for listening to me. there is a lot more to my story and can go on and on. Last thing is that he said if I do leave that he well destroy my car so I don't have any way to get around.

He also thinks that I am dating a guy from my past that I dated for years and that a few of his books are here and a poem dated in 2004 fell out and he flipped out.

He also has crazy out bursts about his clothing and shoes that I destroy them and it is him when he goes out for days.

anon123935
Post 90

I'm verbally abused by my step-kids. At least if they are adults something can be done but it's "his children" so either I leave or what? It's a horrible situation.

anon121289
Post 89

I've been with my bf for over four years. In the beginning of our relationship, I did everything and anything for him. I would drive two hours from school every weekend to see him, do anything he ever wanted.

He didn't want people to know we were dating (especially his ex girlfriend) and would make me duck in the car when he thought someone he knew was around. I was always very self-conscious about his relationship with his ex gf because he never told her about me and accused him of cheating several times.

He actually ended up cheating on me on valentine's day and the only reason I found out was because his ex told me. Somehow, he flipped it on me and I remember crying on my knees in his garage begging to take me back. He did and broke up with me several times in the following years.

Years later, I'm not the girl who does everything for him. Everyone thinks he's this great guy which he is most of the time but when things get bad they get bad. He accuses me of cheating on him every week and regularly calls me horrible names. He tells me he doesn't believe anything I say and somehow blames everything on me. He tells me I abuse him.

We always work things about but I can't tell you how many times a week I go to bed crying hating my life and the way I feel. He makes comments like you're f in dumb that you had to take two days off of work to study for a final. He looks through my cell phone, my cell phone bill and has access to any type of communication method I have and still doesn't trust me. He always says I treat him bad and I make him call me names.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been doing this for four years and I don't have many friends left because I always chose him over them. He tries to make me feel guilty about studying and going to the gym. Please help me.

anon119967
Post 88

@anon112386: Thank you for posting this. I'm in the same situation, though it's only a year and a half into our relationship. We're both very intelligent people and often have good conversation. My family loves him, but he often gets verbally aggressive behind closed doors. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde scenario.

I read your post aloud to him, and he's agreed to attend counseling with me.

Again, thank you. Just your small post may have saved my relationship. I hope all the best for you and your family. You deserve so much.

amypollick
Post 87

@Anon119334: I know I've said it over and over, but please, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). It's toll free and for anyone who has been abused in any way. Please contact them for your sake and for the sake of your children. These people know how to help you.

anon119334
Post 86

I am 24 and been married 10 years. I've been verbally abused since my marriage started. At first i didn't care and i even didn't know if it was real.

Now i understand what it is. The problem is i have three kids who love their dad. We separated once already but i came back because of the pain they felt. i couldn't deal with that and now i regret so much coming back and i don't know how to get out.

Whenever something wrong happens, it is always my fault. I'm to the point where i don't even know if love him anymore. please comment something.

anon115167
Post 85

I ran into this site while trying to find a way to deal with an online stalker. He kept sending very offensive and dirty messages to my friend non-stop.

We shut him down once and he begged us not to report him, he promised he would never do it again yet he kept doing it. We blocked him, he changed the ID and stalked her again. And we do not know what I we do to get rid of him permanently.

Do we have to keep blocking him every time he creates a new ID?

Isn't there anything we can do with it at all?

anon112386
Post 83

I ran into this site because I feel that I have been verbally abused by my husband of 25 years most of the time. We are both highly educated, have professional jobs and never had issues with money. But his temper is what is getting into our happy lives, especially mine.

To the outside, he is always this nice guy full of jokes and keeping the party going, but when inside, he can start yelling and screaming at me loudly when things don't go his way or I happened to make a mistake.

When our daughter was staying with us, he does that in front of her as well, and he never admits that he is at fault. He always makes it seem that his yelling is justified because of what I did. I started to withdraw from him as much as I could, not to say anything when his nagging or temper gets up to avoid more yelling, but this is doing damage to my emotional and physical well being.

I feel that I walk on eggshells trying to avoid stepping on something that will trigger this. I have thought of leaving him many times, but we have been married for so long and you have to admit you get used to the things after so long.

I do not need his support or anything and our child is grown in college, but I wanted to make things work so we won't end up in a divorce. He never admits that he is at fault and will never go to counseling, thinking that is just a waste of money. I just want him to see how much hurt this is causing me and I don't know how to get the message to him as we can never sit down and talk anymore.

anon109084
Post 82

I am 13 years old. My dad gets pissed off often and does stupid things. On one occasion i was playing pool and holding a pool stick in my hand and my step brother threw an exercise ball at the stick. My dad then comes storming downstairs and says what the bleep, snatches the pool stick out of my hand and throws it at me and then snaps it in half and throws it at the wall. Another occasion is when he asked me to take an old microwave downstairs and i tripped and fell so he threw me into a wall. anybody have some advice for me?

anon108971
Post 81

I am currently struggling to understand if my husband is verbally abusive or just "mean". Like other posts I've seen, to the outside world he's wonderful. With his siblings and parents - he can do no wrong. He speaks highly of me to others and never puts me down to them.

However, when we argue, it's like Mr. Hyde comes out. When I don't immediately back down or agree with him, he begins shouting. Once, he was angry with me because he said he didn't feel important to me. this led to a fight with him shouting again.

I covered my ears and then he told me to quit acting like a little kid and take my hands off my ears. If I ever point out anything hurtful that he's said or done, he immediately tells me that he reacted that way because I did this or said that. He basically tells me that his reactions are my fault.

He's become very jealous. He's gone through my closet, my dresser, and probably my car. He's read my emails, etc. When I mention this he says that he only did that because something or other I did gave him reason to suspect that something was up or he'll just completely play innocent saying that he had to use my computer or email account because his server was down. What?

When we are not fighting, though, he's a different person. He apologizes for the things he said in anger. But let another fight begin and it's the same old thing. I mentioned to him that I thought he was verbally abusive and he wouldn't even consider it.

At this point, I'm completely confused. He has never hit me or laid a hand on me in any way and I don't believe he ever would.

anon108272
Post 80

I live with my grandfather. Since my grandmother lives in a nursing home, my mother moved back to her place after living with me and my grandfather.

Since I was small, my mother would verbally abuse me. As I got to my teen years, I had a little taste of physical abuse. It had affected my life. Even though I learned to become strong and continued my education, it hurts inside to the point where my heart wants to tear apart.

I feel she is getting worse and that she is continuing with my two little brothers. And to be honest, I can't take it anymore. She treats them lower than dirt. All that love they have for her is going to go away as it did with me, just feeling sorry for her. I also believe she is bipolar as well. She is always in a bad mood, with everyone. Supposedly she is going to counseling.

She rarely goes and doesn't put any effort on it either. She really needs to help herself before bonding with my brothers. She always feels that everyone is against her and she too, has a big ball inside of her that tears her apart because she has been through so much.

Every time I hear her yelling at my brothers I swear I want to tell her off so bad that I would right away lose her respect and to the point where she will never talk to me again. Since I am 20, she doesn't verbally abuse me because I defend myself. my brothers listen to me than they do to her. Feel better posting this, but the abuse isn't over.

anon105864
Post 78

Dear #73: Your father is a bully. Your father is an abuser. Your mother may not be able to help you -- she is abused and cannot help herself. Please find an adult to help you, perhaps a trusted teacher or school counselor, or the parent of a friend, or a relative.

Or, call the National Child Abuse Hotline. They can help you. 800-4-A-CHILD (422.4453). You must confide in somebody. You must get an adult to help you.

You are clearly bright, sensitive and articulate. Please know that you have done nothing wrong.

I am very concerned that you say your father might be on steroids. Steroids can cause violent outbreaks.

Please get help. Your home life sounds unbearable. Your father's behavior, unforgivable.

anon105692
Post 77

I've known my hubby for last 10 years, out of which is five years of our married life. he has a family history of verbal and physical abuse. still i married him because i loved him blindly and he is a very sincere man, though he was a verbal abuser before the marriage.

After we got married i used to iron his shirts, polish his shoes, get his socks and undergarments ready -- all that what a indian wife would do.

I made breakfast, lunch and dinner in spite of me being a working woman. he used to shout at me for petty things, like his shirts not properly ironed, not packing his stuff nicely, his socks, his shoes, in front of his parents, sisters, their husbands or servants.

nobody in his family said anything to him, especially his mom, who used to feel happy that her son is scolding his wife. he would say he was sorry to me after few hours and i used to think that he really was apologetic but then after a few minutes he used to start shouting again -- cursing me for making his life a hell, calling me obscene names and saying that his life has been screwed after marrying me.

i tried to be the best daughter in law and the best wife, but nothing worked. my mother in law and sister in law have depression problems and are verbally abusive to their spouses.

After three years, my husband and I shifted to a different house, but things were still the same. he used to verbally abuse me and started with pushing me on the bed and shoving me and slaps. my daughter was six months old then. over the years i was badly hurt from within. his sister and mom would call up every day and talk to him for hours.

His mom called me up one day and abused me for not taking care of her son. i told my hubby about this and he said that i can throw twenty girls like you in front of my mom, and that i was lying. i was deeply hurt.

I wanted somebody to love and respect me and make me feel like a woman. I started chatting online looking for someone who could love me. i had an affair online just to hear words like "i love you" or "you look so beautiful." i had webcam sex too, but that was just online; I never wanted to do all that in person.

One day my hubby read my chat logs and in anger slapped me several times and threw me on the bed and kicked me many times. he said I will leave you and take my daughter away from you. My sister can take care of her. i apologized to him and begged him that i won't repeat it again.

we went to a marriage counselor and everything went well for a while and he started abusing again. now his abuses were more harsh. He used to call me obscene names and say that i slept with men outside.

I know that i had made a mistake but that was just online.

He would verbally abuse on petty things like not closing the door, not turning off the lights, about food, his clothes. i would give all my salary to him and he would just give me 5k for house and personal expenses and then later would say where did you spend all the money?

I would just cry every night until 3 a.m and he would be sleeping after watching t.v. The next day would apologize to me and narrate his already told sob stories about his tough life as a kid, where his parents used to fight and verbally and physically abuse each other.

He said that i have cheated him by having an affair online and has hatred for me and that is the reason he abuses me. i used to apologize and say that i would not repeat it again.

Now my daughter is three and a half. He doesn't spend time with his daughter or me. He is busy in his work or television. when i talk to him he hardly listens.

every time i made up my mind to walk away but thinking about my daughter and me I used to change my mind. he would only look at me when he wants to have sex.

I can't leave him because i love him and i know deep down he loves me. Is there any other way except leaving him because i want my daughter to see both her mom and dad, no matter how he is but he is a good provider and loves his daughter.

I read the views of verbal abuse victims on your site who recommend on leaving such an abuser because he would never change. But i still have a hope that he would change one day. Please guide me.

anon102830
Post 76

Everyone thinks my husband is the nicest guy. We've been married for 14 years and the marriage has had its ups and downs. But in the past few months, his anger is displayed by him getting in my face and spitting all over me with his yelling. It is rage and I am scared and hurt.

We have been in counseling for over six months and I just don't know if I can stand these outburst. I wonder if this is normal or is it me? How long do I give this a chance?

anon101553
Post 75

i need advice. I'm 15 and I'm always getting yelled at by my verbally abusive dad. he yells over the dumbest things like not filling his coffee all the way or not getting him a beer. so even though i do it he still freaks out and says the I'm such a lazy fat bleep and that I'm such a little bleep.

i have low self esteem because of him and my mom doesn't know what she can do to help because he will just cuss her out. He is just as verbally abusive to her as he is to me. even if i have a comment on a movie or anything and he disagrees he will keep yelling to prove his point on why I'm wrong. i have absolutely no respect for him and i hate him as a dad.

even my little brother says he wants to move because he hates his dad. i try and stick up for myself but he just yells until i cry and says "what you got nothing to say now you little bleep."

i just don't know what to do. it's like being in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend that i just can't get out of.

anon100177
Post 74

If I can, I would like to say just a few things. I have made a post in here in the past. Since I had made my post I have ended yet another crazy abusive relationship.

I have to say, from experience, being I was married to a horrible abuser, both physical, emotional and verbal that they don't stop badgering you, they don't stop blaming you, they don't stop harassing you or telling you what a failure you are; that is all part of he abusive behavioral process.

I once was told that the reason an abuser continues is because we allow them to by "tolerating" this behavior. It can be so exhausting. You cannot figure it out. You cannot make it better, or change this person. All you can do is change you and what you will tolerate. No amount of tears, cooperation, silence, anger, yelling is going to change an abuser controlling person.

You have to remember and I have to say this and please hear me as I say it: if they hit you once, they will hit you again. If he/she calls you horrible names, they will do it again. Sure they may cry, they may regret, they may beg for forgiveness, but my mother also told me it will happen again.

I think we free ourselves from the bondage of abuse when we no longer tolerate or accept this. In my marriage I had three children and I promise you mommies, it is better to get out of it and move forward. We think we are hurting them by the divorce or by leaving their dads. I have children to this day who are now grown and are hyper, quick tempered, emotional and damaged by the effects of what I allowed them to see by staying with their father. Sure, being a single parent is not easy, but trust me when i tell you that if you ever allow someone to call you names in front of your children, they are being affected.

Raise up a child in the way they shall go. They may depart, but they shall return. Remember that your abuser didn't get there on his or her own; they were probably mistreated growing up, but the cycle ends with *you*.

I just one year ago ended a relationship once again with a man. Let me verify: I didn't stay with this man for any length of time when the abuse happened. He was a recovering alcoholic and had witnessed some of the most horrible abuse as a child, however, he was good and one day a year ago he decided that alcohol should come back into his life and that very same night I saw the violent side of this man.

The first thing he did, I called the police, he was arrested and he has been out of my life ever since. I am now taking online college courses and I am 42 years old. I never thought that I would be at this point. I want to also add that I used to say things like I don't have a place to go, I don't have money, I don't know what to do.

When I ended that relationship a year ago, I had an 11 year old still. We lost our home and our belongings, and I then had to move to my brothers (not a good thing) and from that my car engine blew. I lost my job, was unable to collect unemployment, and cannot find a job still. But, i promise you this: no matter how long the road, no matter how many obstacles you find along the way, I know this one very important thing. My son jay is going to have a better chance at becoming a fearless, wonderful man, than if I had stayed in a relationship once again with an abusive person.

You can do it, you all. I still struggle and some days my faith is even tested but I am safe and I am going somewhere, and that is to the freedom of being my own person, without being told how ugly, fat, or stupid I am, that i can do all things and know that I am loved.

I don't need someone's lack of desire to change their ways to affect my life anymore.

I wish you all the best. God bless you and keep you and stay strong and move forward. You have to save yourself from the situation you are in, so take the first step and don't get discouraged. Bye for now.

anon99975
Post 73

I have been verbally abused and belittled for years now. I am 15 years old and I'm sick of my dad making me feel horrible most of the time. My brother, sister, and I have seen my dad scream at, cuss at, and even push down my mom.

After many years of having my dad treat my mom like that, she finally got the strength (through friends and family) to have him move out. I'm very much like my mom in that I am very nice and just take my dad's crap. I usually just start crying when he screams and calls me names, then he says don't be a baby and cry.

I can also never do anything right. Same problem my mom faced. Anything I do is not right and he gets mad and starts yelling about the dumbest things. We've been "taught" how to eat cookies so no crumbs fall, how to open and close doors correctly, how to clean, even how to walk, and he gets mad anytime any of his rules are broken.

Oh, and also how to go to the bathroom and wipe the toilet down after (which he got mad at me today about). The reason I am writing this now is because of what he just did. (My mom is staying at a friends house so we can spend time with our "dad").

My dad usually makes me do most of the work around the house because out of my brother and me, I pay way more attention to detail and for some reason do whatever he asks. My brother went out tonight and my dad asked both of us to clean the dishes. I ended up washing all the dishes(which he "taught" us how to do correctly). Then I sat on the couch and kept watching tv.

My dad storms in the room and says why haven't you cleaned the dishes and I said that I did. He said what about all these freaking dishes on the counter? And I just said I would wash them but he doesn't have to say it like that and he got pissed. He started yelling and calling me a bleeping punk (which he seems to be saying a lot lately) and sent me to my room. I am just not going to stay with him ever again. I really don't know what to do because I tell my mom and she is just used to the abuse but it makes me feel horrible.

We called the cops once on a really bad night of his and for some she reason stuck up for him and said it was an accident call. I do not want to send him to jail or anything because he was a cop, and now he's a fireman but I don't want to put up with his crap. Sorry but I felt I needed to vent.

Also he takes steroids (I think except I'm not sure) but whatever he is taking makes him crazier than he already is. I think he does have a mental problem. Also, he always uses a sarcastic tone when I'm trying to be nice to him, like if I say do you want me to clear the table, instead of saying yes thank you, he will say how else will it get clean.

I have tons of stories worse that just these little things but I don't want this to be too long. Any advice?

anon96043
Post 72

i was sitting on the tram today, and was watching a couple hugging in front of me. i was on the way to my office and was really tired from looking after my little boy all day (six months old). i heard the couple speaking in australian accents, and as I'm australian (living in berlin) i found it fascinating, and in my tired haze found myself watching them intently.

i didn't mean any harm, but suddenly the man stormed over to me and asked very aggressively "what i was looking at". i said, honestly, "well, you." he went crazy and i thought he was going to hit me, and he said "Don't worry. I'm not going to hit you. just get your bleeping eyes and put them behind your bleeping glasses and stop looking at us."

now i feel really depressed. i tried to ask the driver for help, and he told me "just get off the tram if you feel uncomfortable". now i feel angry and confused. how can people get away with treating other people like that?

anon91433
Post 71

okay, i am 16 so is my boyfriend. this isn't about me -- it's about him. so his mom will tell him he is lazy and that he will never accomplish anything in life. he wants to be an electrician but his mom constantly tells him that he will never get there. his grandma does this also.

we have been together for two years now, and I'm just now noticing this. when he was younger he used to black out and beat his mom. she could stop him easily as he was only about 10 to 12 at the time. but it recently started back up. he thought it was gone but it wasn't, i guess. he has seen not only verbal abuse directed toward his mother (from his father) but he has also seen her get beat up several times. at the time he wasn't old enough to do anything about it. now he is.

he has started saying mean comments directed toward me, he seems more distant, and he blows up at the slightest things.

i don't understand. what can i do about any of this? please help me.

anon91340
Post 70

I have been married for 20 years to my husband who comes from a very abusive background. He started hitting me before we got married - I tried to walk away but he asked for forgiveness and I took him back and got married to him.

He used to accuse me of having affairs - and just to placate him I used to give in - it got so bad one night that he kicked me as I lay down on the grass begging him to stop - he even took a shot at me with a gun once.

He was out one night and I accidentally locked the door being eight months pregnant with my second son. He got so angry with me that he threatened to kill me with a knife. He actually cut my chin from top to bottom with a corkscrew and I still have the ugly scar which I have to look at every day in the mirror.

But still I am too scared to leave him. The police came around and I did not lay a charge against him. After that incident he never touched me again. But then the verbal abuse started. I get the blame for everything. If I have an opinion about something he knocks me down and tells me that I do not know what I am talking about and my opinion rarely counts.

He blames me for not having any contact with his family. I am not allowed any contact with my family and when they visit he fights with them and treats them horribly. I am too scared for my friends to meet him - too scared they'll see through him, so I meet them for two hours a month somewhere in town.

I have no control over my financials. I work hard and bring money home every month but he takes most of it and complains if it's not enough, as I get performance bonuses every month.

I am always being called a fat bleeping cow, no matter how fat or slim I am, I am just never the right size.

My kids are 19 and 18 and it's time to leave. I just need the courage to this. I do feel sorry for him but I think I have taken enough. The question I have for myself is how do I jump back from being so abused every time, and why did it take me so long to realise that I am not the one to blame?

anon91022
Post 69

My mother (I'm only calling her that for the sake of this post) fits almost everything written in this article: controlling, manipulative, nice on the phone and in front of strangers, etc. She is truly the nastiest person I have ever ever met, to the extent that since moving back to live with her (I had no choice as I finished university with no job) I have decided ever again to speak to her.

The funny thing is I find myself pitying her and feeling sorry for her, and I think it'll be hard to stick to this but I'm promising myself. People who haven't been in these situations have no idea what its like. I honestly would not repeat most of the things she has said to me, while I sat downstairs with my dad. good luck to everyone else!

anon89846
Post 68

I'm 19 and live with my parents and two sisters. I didn't have enough money to go to college this last year, but I'll be going this coming year to be a therapist. Since I do still live at home, I have to deal with my dad. All my life he has always told how disappointed he was with me, and how much I just didn't care.

I was nine and my job was to learn about spelling and writing, not study psychology. All through school, I always felt like no matter how well I did, it made no difference. He is also addicted to video games, and anytime anyone talks to him while he is playing them, he belittles them.

Most recently, I made a comment about some petty news piece and he was determined to prove I was wrong, and when I told him I simply had no interest in arguing, he picked up a folding table and threw it across the room. It hit my Mom's turtles' tank and shattered the front. Then he looks at me and tells me it's my fault, I broke it because I egged him on.

Soon after, he picked up the table again and slammed it onto the ground. I've always been strong in these situations. I just keep my cool and stand my ground. In the past I had gotten counseling, and in middle school I used to cut my wrists.

I can honestly say that I don't love him anymore, so it's not about fixing it for the sake of the family, but he needs to answer for the psychological and emotional damage he has cause me, and my sisters as well.

anon87295
Post 67

I have been married for 17 years and with my verbally/emotionally abusive husband for nearly 21 years. After 18 years, I had a nervous breakdown.

Once on medication, I began to have clarity on what was the cause of so much anguish and confusion: him. It got to the point where I was contemplating divorce, and asked him to do counseling, and he refused. The abuse got worse and I eventually left the house and went directly to the police station.

I nearly had to beg for a restraining order because he had never "hit" me. The judge, however, did grant it and then I pursued the divorce. I was almost free but in the courtroom our lawyers allowed him unconsciously to get near me and he begged, cried, pleaded, promised etc. All after he threatened to take the kids, house, etc. and leave me destitute.

In weakness and fear, I buckled. Took him back. He was wonderful- "normal" even for a while and then here and there the regression came. We are in marriage counseling and he is thrilled because he thinks he is "winning."

My kids are 7 and 9 and I'm just waiting until they are launched into adulthood and then I'm going to escape. I'll go sooner, if the effects show in the kids again. I will have to save them.

I was class valedictorian and I love people. Why I ended up with this guy is a long story. The insidious manipulation, stealth cruelty and utter confusion is just draining. I think I hate him now.

I thought I could love him to pieces and make him nice. He is worse. Feels victorious when I remind him how close it was to over and says I'm still here, aren't I? My advice to others: get out as fast as you can and long before you bring children into their warped world. Your pain is only then magnified trying to save your babies.

anon87089
Post 66

I have been married for almost 20 years. For most of these years, when my husband would get in one of his moods, I just sat quietly and let him cool down to keep from having an argument.

The least little thing sets him off. If I ever state my own opinion and it's different from his, he makes me feel stupid and even gets angry!

I took and took until he started doing this to my sons. They are now teenagers and have their own opinions about things but he doesn't let them express them. He yells at them if they eat the last of something in the fridge and pouts because he didn't get to eat any of it, like a child. He makes mountains out of molehills.

It's to the point my 16 year old said he can't stand him anymore. He avoids him the best he can. It got so bad tonight, I slapped him. I have never did that before in my life -- to anyone! He was in my face, screaming at me, and I didn't know what to do.

I love him. When he's in a good mood, you couldn't ask for a sweeter person. But, we are always walking on eggshells, not knowing when he's going to snap.

Is this something he can get help for? I want to know what to do. I've thought of leaving him so many times but I have health issues and don't think I could live on my own, raising two teens. Help!

spaceace40
Post 65

Thank you amypollick. yes I want to change for the better and will seek all the help I can get to get my wife back. she means the world to me and is my whole life. I will beat my demons and hope to get her back in my life. spaceace40

amypollick
Post 64

@Spaceace40: I applaud your courage and honesty in admitting you have a problem. I am so encouraged that you are seeking to change what you know you are doing wrong. When people admit they have a problem, and take steps to change their behavior, I think many people will be willing to work with them.

Continue to get the counseling and help you need to overcome this. Good luck.

spaceace40
Post 63

I've been reading these comments on verbal abuse and you are all saying how bad these men are. I agree they are, but there are some men out there who are trying to get help with this problem.

I know this because I am on of those men trying to get help for my problem. I've been verbally abusive to my wife for a few years -- ever since my mom and grandparents died. I know it's not right to verbally abuse my wife and I don't mean to do it. I just lose my temper and shout and yell at her.

She left me two weeks ago and now I am trying to change. It's hard not having her here and I miss her so much that I will do anything to get rid of this sickness and get my wife back so we can be a family again. --Spaceace40

amypollick
Post 61

@Anon84669: Two words. Leave him. People who love you do not treat you like that, then apologize and blame it on you. This is classic abuser behavior.

Leave him before he starts using you for a punching bag and telling you, "But you just bug the crap out of me, and you nag me and I get so mad, I can't control myself." Because it's coming. As sure as this old world turns, the physical abuse is coming.

I don't care how much you think you love him. You can't fix him. You just can't. Maybe with lots of anger-management-focused counseling, he could stop this. But he has to make the decision to go, and decide that he wants to stop. He has to understand he has a problem. If he won't agree to counseling, then get out while you still have all your teeth and before you have to wear dark glasses inside to hide the bruises. Not being mean-- just honest. I wish you the best.

anon84669
Post 60

i don't think it's verbal abuse, but then again it is. me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and have known each other for two years. and i love him so very much, but we have been getting into fights and the fights only lead to him saying something so hurtful without hesitation, like i hate you, i never loved you, I'm worthless, and to go away. but at the end of the day he says he's sorry for it all and that he was only mad, and when i hurt him he wants me to feel the pain he does. so he says he things to me. what do i do?

anon84217
Post 59

I'm 28 and was involved in a verbally abusive relationship last year. It only lasted six months, but that six months were the worst six months of my life. He was super charming, declaring his undying love, telling me I was the one, then on the flip side would criticize, put down, accuse and manipulate me.

He started accusing me of lying. For example, we were discussing how many sexual partners we had in the past. I told him, then he accused me of lying and that I had had many more than I was saying, implying I was a slut. And he wouldn't let up, so he would eventually just end the conversation/argument and shut down. He would blame me for everything and even things that didn't exist behind closed doors, then in public would tell everyone how wonderful I was etc.

He started making snide comments about how I looked when we were out, sometimes in front of others, then when I would get upset he would laugh or tell me I was being too sensitive. That's what he used to always say whenever I was hurt by a 'joke' or criticism, "you are too sensitive", or "it's just a joke, don't get moody".

Or, he would out of the blue accuse me of being moody when I wasn't. And when I said I wasn't feeling moody he would keep at it until I would react and become upset and then he would laugh. He was awful.

He never let me talk to him. If I was talking sometimes he would just turn and walk away mid sentence. Or if we were together alone he would have to create some kind of diversion so there would be no opportunity for proper conversation.

There were times when he would call me a slut, or tell me all I was good for was sex. He was even sarcastic in the bedroom. One day when I was sleeping at his house getting over my jet lag, he was on lunch break came home and had sex with me, even though I kept saying no. He just left, then came back at the end of the day really apologetic, sat down in front of the TV as if nothing had happened.

So now I am a lot stronger and have repaired my broken spirit, although there are some wounds that are still there, and may last a lifetime. I was just lucky I got out when I did.

anon80527
Post 58

I don't know where to begin. I am in an abusive marriage of 14years (mid 40's). I live in a beautiful and expensive home and drive a new car, and I'm a nervous wreck.

I hate when he comes home. I'm so intimidated by him. I can't begin to tell the stories. I've got hundreds. I'm beginning to think long term about a divorce, but my greatest fear, is all the abuse is psychological. Heck -- he even did put my oldest daughter (his step daughter) through college!

To the entire world, he's generous, kind, a good family man, and I'm incredibly lucky. But, I so want to flee. I literally get knots in my stomach when he's around. If he comes home for lunch, and I run an errand and see his vehicle in the driveway at lunchtime, I will make the block three dozen times, till he leaves, to avoid him. How could I ever convince the courts that he was abusive, when everything "on the record" shows him to be generous, kind, and giving and a good supporter?

They weren't there to see his rage over and over. Advice?

anon79962
Post 57

My boyfriend always brings up my weight. He says I look ok but need to lose more weight. He tells me I have broad shoulders and that my chin is too long and I look funny when I eat. Most people tell me I'm pretty, but he hardly ever compliments me and never will start a conversation with my son except hello and that's it.

He never will look me in the eye when we go out to eat and he never listens to me when I talk about my beliefs. He comes over and he ignores me most of the night and we usually watch what he wants on TV. He never yells but he is so distant to me all the time.

Is this abuse? He tells me I'm too sensitive. Maybe I am. I could sure use some feedback on this.

anon78738
Post 56

My name's amber, i am 18 and i was in a verbally abusive relationship for two years and no one knew, not even my mom who happened to love him to death.

when i was fifteen i met a guy named josh. i fell for him fast, but after six months things started to get rocky.

At first, it was small things like jokes such as "amber where are the other part of your jeans? you look like you selling that pretty body of yours" and things like that. i always thought it was a compliment that i had a nice body. but then it got worse.

After a little while longer of dating he started to get controlling. he would get mad if another boy texted me, he didn't want me to have friends or leave the house without him. it got worse and worse.

Then he would just flat out cuss me out. He called me dumb and stupid, a whore, slut, and i mean every name in the book. however he would somehow make me feel like he was right. like he was telling me those things for my own good. he said he loved me and i am just too tenderhearted. then he would say i never cared about his needs and his wants.

Eventually i got tired of listening to him down me. the few friends i had left said i seem so down all the time and i was so stressed. i decided to leave but he always threatened to kill himself if i did, or he would say he will ruin my reputation and send nude photos out to my school and all the guys and everything. it was awful.

After leaving and being forced to go back so many times i got so stressed out, then my mom finally started to notice something was not right two years after me holding in the abuse and hiding it from everyone.

i just broke down and cried my eyes out. i told her everything about what i was going through and how he treated me. mom told me i needed to leave him for good. so i did eventually. it took me about a month after my breakdown to get the courage to finally leave. it has been one year and six months now and the scars he caused me still affect me today.

i am in therapy and often have nightmares, however i am doing much better than i was. i have my friends and my family beside me now.

I just want parents to know that it can be any age -- as young as 15 like it was with me. sometimes there are never warning signs that you can see like the way i kept mine hidden for so long.

i don't want to see any girls go through a relationship like that one i was in and think that it's normal and that's how love is. Believe me -- it's not. and i just want moms to really pay attention to how their daughters act.

when people were around they thought we were the happiest couple ever. but that was not the case. the damage is done but my future is looking bright.

i am now engaged to the most wonderful person in the world and he really has showed me what love is and we are very happy. but it was difficult in ways for him to learn how to handle someone who has been emotionally damaged like i was. just keep your eyes open. the scars last a lifetime.

anon78339
Post 55

My ex husband and I have been together off an on for 20-plus years. Our daughter is 14. We are divorced but got back together two years ago. He almost died last year from diverticulitis and blamed me for it.

We have been divorced since 2002 but continue to go back and forth. He kicks me out and then I go back. Now he is verbally abusive not just to me but my daughter as well. He calls her a slut, and other obscene names, and tells her she is selfish and lazy. That she is spoiled and cares about no one but herself; all the things he says to me.

When he talks to her this way, I always intervene and then it directs his anger away from her and towards me. He goes behind my back and tells her that she is the reason him and I fight all the time, that I am seeing another man at work, tells her I don't care about the family and that's why we don't have food, (we do).

All of her friends won't even come over anymore because he has scared them all. He was convicted of stalking in 2005 and I went right back to him almost three years later; he seemed like he had sincerely changed after taking anger management classes.

I try to tell my daughter every time that to never think that it is okay for a man to talk to or treat you the way her father treats us. I am scared to leave because I had sole and legal custody of her but modified the custody agreement and now we have joint but him physical.

If I make him leave or if I leave, she is left with him. He hasn't worked but just a few months off and on over the last two years so he can't take care of her. It looks bad on me since I gave him joint and went back to him after he was convicted of stalking.

I don't care about me, I just want someone to help my daughter and I don't know how. I am failing her as a mother and I don't know how to fix it. leaving isn't as easy as it seems.

anon76029
Post 54

One day I was mopping the kitchen floor. He came over and took the mop out of my hands and said, "Can I show you how to do this correctly? When I objected he called me an idiot and said he was just trying to “teach me”.

He has numerous times told me I do not do the dishes “correctly”, that he does a better job, that I don’t do them “right” and at times has come over while I am doing the dishes and taken over.

I came home from work last week. He had made dinner and was getting it all together. I reached for the vegetables and was going to add the butter to them, trying to help. He grabbed the bowl of vegetables from me, and he told me “I did not “do it right” (butter the vegetables) and then called me an obscene name.

When I later confronted him for calling me what he did, he said it was my fault he called me that, that if I didn’t act like that obscene name, he wouldn’t have to call me one. So even his verbal abuse of me is my fault in his thinking.

I know this is typical abuser MO, blame the victim for the abuse the abuser dishes out. Over the years, whenever I have confronted him on his verbal abuse he says he would not talk to me like he did if I didn’t deserve it. When I have told him he is abusive, he later brings it up as a joke or as an off comment, “since I abuse you so much why don’t you get out”, etc.

One night I got up to let the dog we had out to go to the bathroom in the backyard. As I always did, I stood at the sliding glass door, turned on the porch light and waited for the dog to finish and come back.

He happened to get up and come out into the room. He totally went ballistic, became outraged, and screamed that I was an bleeping idiot, why the hell did I have to turn the bleeping porch light on when the dog went out! Irrational anger -- he was just insane with anger. He was violently angry because I turned the porch light on. He said did I think the dog needed it on to see?

I cried myself to sleep and I have never forgotten that. I still remember how irrationally angry he was and how such a trivial thing set him off in a rage. When I have mentioned this, he now says it never happened. I must have imagined it.

Some time back I wrote a check at Target and they wouldn’t accept it, told me to call an 800 number they gave me. I couldn’t understand what could possibly be wrong. I was so upset.

I went straight to my bank. I was so upset I started crying to the woman at the bank. I thought maybe somebody had stolen my identity or something and did not want my good credit ruined. The lady there was so sweet and she helped me and looked at my account and said I had never had a bounced check ever. She called the 800 number, and come to find out Kmart had reported my driver license (in error) to Check Rite and so I was in the computer as giving Kmart a bad check. I left the bank and went home, I was so upset.

When I started to tell Bill what happened, rather then comfort me or offer some support or even wait to hear the whole story, the first thing he yelled was, “I told you to stay off that bleeping computer!”, like that had something to do with it (he had some wild notion it happened because I bought a few things from Amazon online and used my credit card).

Next day I called Kmart, they straightened it out and sent me a letter of apology. When I later brought this incident up to him, he denied it ever happened (he denied he said the things he did).

I have read in books on abuse that this denial by the abuser of things said is called “crazy making”. He is good at this.

Last spring I got some potted plants to set out on the patio. He flipped out and said he did not want them set on the patio cement because he did not want water from the pots getting on the cement, that it might damage it (the cement). When I objected he said I was a moron if I did not understand that. (I guess the rain doesn’t damage the cement when it gets on it though huh?)

I could go on but I'll run out of room. I hate him.

anon71419
Post 53

I'm not sure if this is verbal abuse and I'm sure you will all think I'm overreacting. I have been with my boyfriend for eight months and a lot of the time it's amazing.

But sometimes he becomes very short tempered, which upsets me. Examples of this are he was explaining how something he had made had broken and I said, "ah you're joking." He then got very angry and said, "no if I was joking I would be telling a joke!" I felt really stupid. He says I worry too much and make mountains out of molehills.

If he is not interested in what I'm saying, he will just turn away from me and has admitted that's why he does that. It's strange as it's 99.9 percent lovely, so not sure if I am looking into it too much. Any thoughts?

anon69361
Post 52

I'm 41 and just ended a relationship with my 43 year old boyfriend. He was verbally abusive to me and because of it I am now seeking out therapy, which has been an immense help.

I have learned I do have to acknowledge what he did as being wrong rather then me having the mindset that I did something wrong. He would at times go into hysterical fits of rage. He threw his cell phone at me a few times. He humiliated me time and time again.

One incident that stands out is when we were in a restaurant together and I said to him I was going to get a diet coke, but by the time the waitress got to our table I had changed my mind and ordered a regular coke and right there in front of the waitress he said 'Honey I thought you were going to get diet today'. Now in most cases that would sound like nothing but he knew I had concerns and issues about my weight, but nonetheless he said that in front of someone and just made me feel so worthless.

Another incident was also in a restaurant and he had been telling me earlier in the day about how pretty he thought my little sister was and that was fine but he continued on by saying 'if she wasn't married I would ask her out'. My boyfriend saying this about my sister in front of me. We got to the restaurant and ordered our food and I decided I was going to ask him about this but instead of us talking it out he became enraged and took his plate of food and threw it away in front of all the other patrons. I was beyond humiliated and so I went to the bathroom and just burst out crying as he went out the door to the car. Once I got into the car finally he threw his cell phone at me and told me I ruined his dinner.

Now I just gave a few examples but there are so many more and I was always so terrified but yet at the same time I wanted and yearned to know what I had done to cause him to treat me this way.

For the most part he is a nice guy when he works and is with others and so I didn't understand and for the longest time I tried to get my relationship to work but I finally needed to get out because I was scared to death of him.

My problem now is the self esteem. He has completely ruined my self esteem and has made me feel like I am even less worthy then the dirt on the ground and so I struggle daily now with telling myself I am a worthy person.

I have a long way to go, but I got out and for those of you still struggling in a verbally abusive relationship, my heart, soul and prayers go out to you.

In closing I just want to thank those who created this site. I've referred to it often and it has been an immense help to me. Thanks and god bless!

kap841
Post 49

My daughter lives with her father and I believe that her father is verbally abusive with her, her stepmother and her little half sister.

On my daughter's last visit, she told me about a few disturbing instances. Recently my daughter got in trouble for some school grades and she said that her father was so made he was yelling and cussing at her with his hand in a fist.

She told about a time recently that she was awoken by hearing her stepmother crying because her father had gotten mad at her stepmother and locked her out of the bedroom and in the morning he still hadn't let her back in so she had to use my daughter's bathroom to get ready in the morning.

She also told me that her father has started yelling and cussing at her little half sister the same way he yells at her. I don't know what I should do. I am afraid of him too, plus he works for the city and he is believed over me because of his position.

anon66917
Post 48

I read the article above with my mouth dropped to my knee. Everything it said what verbal abuser did matches what my partner has been doing. He blames me for absolutely everything. He failed his job interview then that my fault, he burnt his food and that's also my fault. He told me know one will ever stay with me apart from him. He always tells me how he would punch me if i don't take easy on him. When he gets mad we cannot have any decent conversation. At one point we were discussing the issue of woman getting raped by strangers, i said i don't wanna talk about as i was pregnant at the time and it was not a nice thing to think about for my baby. then he got mad and told me i am careless and don't wanna face the reality of possibility that i might get raped and he told me that he would watch me get raped if anyone attempts to so then i would learn.

we have a big issue with money as well, My partner is out of job and my family is supporting us with money. He says he is frustrated with money so he tries his luck with gambling. He asks money about average £30 everyday. somedays he asks for rather large amount of money. when i confronted him about his gambling issues he first said he will fix it. but later on he said i was the one who made him lose all his money and he called me horrible names.

I told me countlessly how much it hurts me when he calls me with those horrible words. But his replies are that i should feel lucky that he doesn't hit me like other men does. he says i am a psycho, and no one will put up with my personality. it's only him who can handle it. he keeps on telling me family arne't important. only thing matters is him me and the baby. he always talks negative about my frineds.

I cannot believe how serious this actually is. i didn't realise it till i read this website. I am scared to tell him to seek for pyschiatric help as he will flip on me and say that i am the crazy one here. we just recently had a baby girl. i don't want my daughter to have seperated parents. but this is weighing me down and driving me to a suicidal mode everyday. please help me.

anon66846
Post 47

I like most here am posting due to this issue. My verbal abuse is not everyday, so sometimes I chuck it up to it being situational. I have had 2 or 3 incidents of physical abuse in our 8 years together. My husband can be a very good man for long stretches of time. When these bouts happen I get very shocked. He calls me horrible names, and tells me that I have no friends, am just like so and so's wife, that all I want is money, although I make equal money to him. The swearing is the worst. It just offends me so much and makes me feel intimidated although I know they are just words. Usually He gets so worked up all by him self that I try not to push his buttons any more, I try walking away, but he just keeps coming at me with the words. He throws things at me , things he knows will not hurt like towels or coats. I don't know the incident are far and few but when they happen they are so bad.

anon66168
Post 46

Not sure if this is verbal abuse. I am 16. My father always makes me feel worthless, and it seems like I will never be good enough for him. It is on a daily basis that he yells at me until he has me crying and hiding, and sometimes it's really over nothing at all.

He calls me things like "retarded," stupid, ungrateful, a brat, and tells me things like how my family--especially my little sister--deserve so much better than me. He is a very domineering personality, and likes to remind me that I am "nothing without him."

He always tells me how sick and tired he is of me, and after awhile, things like this really hurt.

anon65553
Post 45

I recently married my boyfriend of three years. everything was okay up until about a few weeks ago. He started telling me my kids had issues, I had issues and we need help.

If we even try to talk to him he gets violent, starts breaking things, calling my kids names and now he has turned the anger onto me. He can't keep it straight. First it is the kids that he hates, wants them out of his house, now it is me, I can go get an apartment, etc. I gave up my home, my job, my university, to transfer here to be with him.

He has done nothing but blame me and throw it in my face he could be closer to his son if it wasn't for me. (his ex had him thrown in jail, destroyed his business and took his son away from him, and now that is my fault how?)

Like I said, he is turning all of this on to me, trying to convince me we would not have any problems if it wasn't for me now. I just don't understand?

anon64489
Post 44

I'm 15 years old and my father constantly yells and cusses at me when he's pissed off. he usually yells at me until i start crying and i ask him to stop yelling and cussing at me but then he says "its always about you, huh!"

My father is an alcoholic and usually passes out in his bar without making dinner or even ordering anything. my mother left when i was 10 months old so it's been me and my dad since then. I'm always getting yelled at for simple things such as my phone dying and me accidentally not answering it.

I'm usually scared to stand up to my father and tell him i need time away from him, so whenever we fight, i always end up locking myself in my room.

For some reason, even though my father ends up blaming things on me and says all i think about is myself even though the issue is him cussing at me. is this verbal abuse?

Moderator's reply: Yes, it is. Please talk to your school counselor, nurse or another trusted adult about your situation. Good luck.

anon58001
Post 43

I am 28 years old, we have been married for two years now and we have a 18 months old son. My husband seems to constantly look for something wrong and blame me for whatever goes wrong in our lives.

When I try to talk to him or reason with him it always end up in a huge screaming match. He pushes the right button for me to snap, cry or yell and he follows by screaming louder and call me all the bad names out there... we go on weeks without talking and then all is good and out of nowhere it starts again.

He shows no remorse what so ever and it scares me to see him that mad, so now I just walk away and don't respond.

Could this be my fault to argue with him or is this verbal/emotional abuse?

anon57331
Post 42

I'm in a verbally abusive relationship. my kids' father always talks down to me and makes me feel like I'm the worst person in the world.

He's always name-calling and making me feel like I'll never be good enough for him no matter what I do. He has threatened my life plenty of times and threatens every time he gets mad to take my son away.

He has been physical at least twice to me and has drawn a knife on me at least three times before. I am afraid to leave because I'm afraid he'll take my kids away and/or try to kill me. I am afraid of him but it is only by the grace of God and safety of my kids and myself why I remain.

I always try to hold in that hope that he'll change one day and that things will be better but he is a very negative and unhappy person who will go to whatever extent it takes to make me unhappy.

He says he wants to marry me and that I complete him but I am no fool and will not marry someone like that. I just need the courage to leave him and take the kids, maybe we can go into hiding or something as he has people constantly watching my every move and people who he says wants to kill me.

anon57177
Post 41

I'm free but not totally free. The reason i say that is because i finally left him. i pulled myself together and got out the relationship, but i still have deep scars and nightmares that will not go away.

I was verbally abused for nine years and I've been free from him for two years and i still need a lot of healing. People will tell me, "you left him you will be all right now," but I'm not.

i still have lots of anger, hurt, pain and all the other devilish things that come with abuse. I am in a post-traumatic group now but it still seems not to help. i really want to be who god created me to be and that's a strong confident women.

I wish i could write a book and name the book broken pieces. Because i feel like I've been broken into many pieces. i just need to pick the pieces up and mend them back together again. But how does one do that? I am on the road to recovery with god's help and my program i attend. I know that i will be all right but when will i be totally free? So if you're dealing with verbal abuse, hold on. change will come. keep the faith. Love, markeita -- someone who has been there.

anon56052
Post 40

I have a daughter who is 41, and has been in a relationship for nine years, and got pregnant at age 32. The father and her never married. While she was pregnant they started having problems and when my granddaughter was born it only got worse. My daughter used to be a loving person, but her personality has changed. My granddaughter's father made the comment that everything was fine until the baby was born.

When my granddaughter was walking and talking, at the age of two she saw her daddy curse, and become a violent person, and did a lot of destructive damage to personal things, and their home.

My daughter went on and became an rn, and i took care of my granddaughter from age seven weeks until this year, and she is nine years old.My daughter has said that she has been diagnosed with adhd, and my granddaughter has been diagnosed with add, since she was in first grade. My daughter was a very loving child, and had a good childhood, but her father and i got divorced when she was 11 years old.

I have another daughter who is two years younger, married and has three wonderful sons, and my grandsons whom i love very much too.

My daughter and my granddaughter's father are still living under the same roof, and things are no better, but my granddaughter has been put on Ritalin for add, and is losing weight because she does not eat, and her mother and daddy stay at each other, and do all this cursing and verbal abuse in front of their daughter, and she gets no help with home work, and they fix what they want to eat and really don't try to fix something that their daughter would like.

They show her no affection, or compassion, and treat her as an adult. Their home is very disorganized, and most of the time when they eat it is not a healthy meal, either fast food, or something that only they like. My granddaughter's daddy had an affair with another woman, and tried to put the blame on my daughter, and she pushed him into and affair. Not true, because you can't make someone do something if they don't want to in the first place.

My heart is broken, as i have tried to help my daughter, and granddaughter and my daughter only gets angry with me and blames me for anything that goes wrong. I am very concerned for my granddaughter's health and well being, but she can't see what is happening for her own problems, and won't let anyone help her. I don't know where to turn for help.

anon55570
Post 39

I just told my 80 year old mother not to call or email me anymore. I am the only one in town to help her and my dad but she started sending me these emails criticizing my counseling and saying I needed to go back to counseling and that I was tearing our family apart because I won't pretend like we have a great family and I won't see my brother who stole money from them for 20 years. Now he has wife no. 5 and she wants to pretend we are one big family. I was the one who said the pain of what my brother did and he did criminal things but they kept bailing him out. They even paid his child support because he was too lazy to work.

Anyway, the past is the past but I choose not to see him. So now I am the one tearing the family apart.

I feel guilty on one hand but glad I finally said something on the other hand. I felt like I had to because I kept thinking if I didn't then my mother was going to think it is ok to do what she has been doing. But now I feel bad too.

anon54353
Post 38

I have a 23 year old son who abuses me. He calls me a slut and a lot of other names. He is in college and having a lot of stress and I am the only one here he can take it out on.

I am letting him use my extra car and pay the insurance myself. I am presently going through a divorce after 31 years. My husband never scolded my son (I have 2 others 24 and 31.)(one their own).

Since his dad stopped giving him cash for food he also takes this out on me. I asked him more than once to get a job, even part time, to help out. he refuses to work for minimum wage. I don't want to kick my own son out, but I don't want to go insane!

I am hoping to get counseling soon. He has also threatened me many times over the years. Some days he's a real nice person, then totally crazy! I am hoping to have him go live with his dad real soon.

anon52481
Post 37

I'm going through that right now. My parents threaten me by telling me they will take me out of my room and make me live in the basement. Nothing I do, or what my two younger brothers, do is ever good enough.

I've come to the age where I just want to do things to spite them, i.e. not cleaning my room. They're obviously not going to help pay for college. Yet, they have plenty of money to go take a trip to China in February.

Social services has already been involved and we're all going to trial in December. We've already had two hearings. Before the first one, my parents drove us there and tried to convince us what they're doing is not wrong. They said it was them or a foster home.

Months before SS got involved, my father strangled me with my own coat. He brought that up during one time and tried to tell me to tell the court I was lying. He wanted me to say that never happened. That he handed me my coat. I'm not going to lie in December.

I'm scared for this coming Thanksgiving. Because after my brothers and I came back from living in a shelter, my aunt, my mother's sister called and yelled at me saying how dare I make her sister cry. How dare I, the oldest, screw up so much? She thought we were good kids. She said all that and more.

We're all going to her house for Thanksgiving.

I'm going to graduate high school soon. I will happy to leave, but I'm scared for my brothers.

anon52208
Post 36

it has been ten years me and my husband have been together and almost four years of marriage. we have one three year old baby girl and a son that is due to be born next month. he is a great dad but he is not the prefect husband. he says i'm too sensitive and i complain a lot. he is not the communicative type but i am. he hurts my feelings often. i'm confused. i feel weak and not appreciated enough. sometimes i feel like i don't know my husband anymore. i'm scared. last night i had a conversation that led up to an argument and he told me i'm stressing him out (me-- the one who is pregnant). i told him to tell how i'm stressing him so i could do something about it. he says just don't talk to me.

amypollick
Post 35

anon52108: Yes, it is abuse, and yes it can and will hurt your children. Your husband has no right to belittle you, and especially not in front of your children. He is probably also having sex with these other women, which puts you at risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Your children will learn it's all right to treat you like he does. Your sons will learn it's OK to treat all women that way (ensuring they will become abusers) and your daughters will learn it's OK to be treated that way, since you put up with it (ensuring they will become abused themselves). Also, your husband could certainly escalate the abuse to physical, and direct it against the children, also.

I may sound like a broken record, but please, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). It's toll free and for anyone who has been abused in any way. Please contact them for your sake and for the sake of your children. They can help you.

anon52018
Post 34

can anyone tell me if what is happening to me is really verbal abuse. my husband always complains about everything i do. he always makes me feel like I have never done anything good enough for him. he puts me down in front of the kids and tells me how stupid I am, or calls me names. he always gets close to other women and then tells me that he was just helping them through a tough time when I do find out about them, and doesn't ever say he is sorry for what he does. and it doesn't seem to matter I am hurting, or what he is out doing with these women and then gets angry and then I feel like I have done something wrong, and I feel like I must walk on egg shells around him so he won't get angry.

he watches what he wants on tv. if he finds me watching something he insults me and tells me I am watching nonsense and then changes the channel. The same thing with the radio. my kids are young and I will only divorce him if this is abuse and can hurt my kids.

amypollick
Post 33

It doesn't really matter how long or briefly you've been married. Abuse is just that: abuse. I know it isn't a simple thing. I'm not implying anyone is naive or uneducated. However, sometimes people in abusive relationships need to be reminded that they are not trash and that they deserve a better life than being abused --in whatever form the abuse takes. It's easy to forget there's a different world outside the one where you're being called nasty names and being belittled all the time.

I take my thoughts from my cousin, who was abused by her ex-husband in every way it was possible to be abused. He's a textbook, serial abuser. My cousin isn't stupid, uneducated or naive. She just got caught up in this relationship and didn't know how to get out. My mom reminded her she loved her and that she was worthy of being loved by someone who truly cared about her.

This man's abuse began with verbal abuse. Then it escalated to physical, emotional, sexual-- you name it.

Sometimes abusers can be helped with counseling, but they have to want help.

I think people who post here are looking for some kind of lifeline. I stand firmly by what I said about calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You and all the people on here deserve better than to be treated like garbage. You're not garbage and nothing you've done in any way means you deserve to be abused. No one does.

To the 16-year-old girl. Your grandmother, sadly, sounds like she is in the end stages of dementia. Yes, you are being abused, and you need to talk to a trusted adult outside your family about it. Your grandmother sounds like she needs extra help and so do you and your mother. I am so sorry about your cats. Please get some help because she could turn violent against you or your mother next.

anon50310
Post 32

To Amy Pollick, You make it sound so simple and I am by no means naive or uneducated. However, I can't give in to ending a marriage that just began. I feel so angry and ashamed for not being more careful, especially after living all my life growing up with it. I feel almost crippled with indecisiveness.

anon50167
Post 31

I am 16 years old and I think I am suffering from verbal abuse. Could I have any advice?

I live with my mom and my sister (who now dorms at college) and my grandmother. My mom is a great person. When she and my dad divorced eight years ago we were begged by my grandmother to move and live with her. We were hesitant because we didn't want to intrude on anyone, but we took her offer graciously. She had been alone in her house for years and my uncles couldn't stand her constantly calling them and they would rarely visit her. We felt bad for her and thought we'd help her, maintain the house and keep her company.

I had two cats who she said were okay to bring with us and she and my uncle even picked us up at the airport with them. Less than a year later she started yelling at me for having them (they were in the basement) and she forced them outside one day and poured a kettle of water on them and it was winter. Because my cats were so nice, they didn't even scratch her or run away -- they froze to death and I found them when I came home from school.

My grandma has never really been liked by anyone, even our neighbors don't like her. She is a mean, bitter, old woman who also suffers from dementia and she is 87 years old. She manipulates everything my mom, sister and I say -- saying that we are "insulting" her. All we've ever said to her was "Nanny, the appliances are over 40 years old, we'll buy some new ones." She would say "I won't let the door in." She tells my mom, sister and I that we're all selfish and ungrateful brats, when we always say thank you and try to cook her meals and be nice.

She always talks to me how my father was an alcoholic who used to "touch" me when I was little.

I asked her today when she was yelling at me if she loved me. She didn't answer for five minutes and then said "yes" and walked away, and then two minutes later ran in my room and said how ungrateful I am, because I have a room with some pictures on my wall.

My mom had a heart attack a few years ago and she doesn't even care. She always shoves it in my mom's face that she got a divorce because my dad couldn't stand her anymore. (my mom divorced him because he lost our house and was an alcoholic).

My grandma always looks in my stuff even when i ask her politely not to, she still does.

I try to reason with her, but she just yells at me and calls me names. Is this abuse?

I appreciate any response! Thank you.

anon49280
Post 30

I was married 25 years. I have been divorced for 11. I was verbally abuse. Got help and got a free lawyer from the them (abuse hotline). I will tell you that it has been great except for the fact that after you have been abused for such a long time, you still tend to abuse yourself. You have to learn not to. You have relearn to be yourself and it is hard. It is worth it. If you don't recognize the abuse, you will never get out. Also people that don't know anything about it will not be able to help you. Some therapists will try to help, but they don't know much about verbal abuse, so get help from the people who help abusive behaviors. I am talking from experience. Don't wait. Getting help is also hard because you need to get from the right people. Also remember and don't forget this, you cannot do it alone. You will always feel that it will get better once you try to change things, but it gets better for a little while because the person who is doing the abuse doesn't have any remorse and thinks he or she is not doing anything wrong. Oh, yes, they say they are sorry, but it is part of the abuse. This is the way to get you get up and bring you down again. For those of you who don't want to leave because of your kids, you are doing wrong. One of my sons is an abuser. He tries to use the same characteristics of an abuser on me. It hurts me more. You need to tell your kids everything. I have a lot to say but maybe next time. One last thing: the very first thing for you to recognize in verbal abuse is learn the characteristics of an abused person and how their brain works. It will shock you.

anon49140
Post 29

I'm a 26 year old female. I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I raised my children as a single mother. I love my children and they are the greatest thing that have happened in my life. Two years ago I was involved in a relationship with a guy whom I thought was my best friend. he seemed so nice -- almost too good to be true. he had a low self esteem. I invited him into my life. he admitted to having feelings for me. he asked if I would allow him to pay a bill for me and I allowed him to. The verbal abuse started and I didn't realize it. my self esteem was lowered. he drove me to and from school and daycare. he was in my life for two years and then became verbally abusive. I decided to have nothing to do with him and erased him out of my life. After three months without him or his help he phoned me, offering me 32,000 dollars to buy a vehicle and pay bills. i agreed and took the money. It was the biggest mistake of my life. he stole 12,000 back so with the 25,000 I bought a vehicle and furniture and fixed up my house. He then consistently asked me out but I declined. He then made outrageous phone calls about me and my parenting. I had my children apprehended from school. my daughter was then ripped out of my arms based on suspicion of drug use. I didn't use drugs. I lost my children for two years and went home to find my house empty and trashed. All my furniture was stolen as well as my vehicle. it took me two years to get my family back with me. they are all in the process of coming home. I gave birth to another daughter who is three months old now and I'm trying to put the past behind me and take it as a lesson learned. Someone who doesn't respect themselves won't respect you and some advice: put your family first. Anything dishonestly gained will get your family into trouble.

anon48305
Post 28

I am a 47 year old and have been married for going on 25 years. my two kids are grown, 19 and 21. and i sit here and read these comments and say to myself i feel the same. my husband never has anything nice to say to me and all he does is cuss and raise hell all the time and really about nothing. if i get off work and i'm not home in 15 minutes, he's calling me and wants to know where I am. i can't go to the store without one of my kids with me and they stay at home with us and they hear this all the time. i work eight hours a day but I hear him say i never work, i never pay any bills and i have nothing except the clothes on my back. we have a double wide trailer and one and a half acres of land and two vehicles, all that in my name, but like i said I hear him say i have nothing -- and after 25 yrs of hearing this, it is about to take a toll on me. my self esteem is already bad enough because i never hear a kind word from him. It’s like i'm his maid, cook and housekeeper and i tell him this. i used to clam up and cry by myself, but i took a saying from a song (“harden your heart and swallow your tears”) and started giving him the words that he gives me back and i'm getting too old for him to act like he's my father and i tell him this. i've got so much that i want to do in my life – what’s left of it -- and in 25 years it just isn’t going anywhere. we hardly go out and he always watches what he wants to on tv. if i leave 5 or 10 minutes early for work he accuses me of running around on him. sometimes i hate to go home and wish i had to work 24 hours a day. he gripes and grumbles about everything but when i ask him to help me with stuff around the house his excuse is he's tired and he worked all day and i ask what do you think i did? i work eight hours a day, come home, cook, clean, wash clothes, pick up after him and he says i don’t do anything and i'm about to the point that, even though i love him I’m not sure if i'm still in love with him. I want to tell him, "See ya!" i'm a good-hearted person and i know that if i do leave there would be no going back but why would i want to go back of the same thing i've been in for 25 years because i know there is a life out there for me without all the verbal abuse i get every day.

anon47067
Post 27

My parents were married for 32 yrs. and all my life I have lived with the verbal abuse from my father. I was with my sons' father for only five months and it was a nightmare. Dealing with custody is difficult, I wonder when he will start treating my 3 year old son the same way. I tried to make sure I didn't make the same mistake and end up with another man that treated me the same as my father again. Well, my husband and I were married almost five months ago. The verbal abuse didn't start until shortly before we married and I thought it was just stress at the time. Now I have tried to confront him about this and he tells me that I am being mean and blaming him when he just is tired or moody. I feel so stupid for falling into the same thing all over again. I have just started seeing a counselor and am going to try to figure out what to do. Can't imagine getting divorced, but don't want to live like this when it is what I grew up with. Children of verbally abusive parents need help understanding things so they don't perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I see my brothers struggling with the same thing and it just breaks my heart. My father's parents were the same way and my paternal uncle is going through a divorce after more than twenty yrs. of marriage. My aunt finally had enough. I have communicated all of this to my husband but it is still not sinking in. He was also abused as a child by his father. How can it all stop? I am so sad and depressed right now. I have struggled with depression and self-harm for years. Haven't hurt myself for more than six years but am having a lot of anger right now and want to take it out on myself for being so stupid.

amypollick
Post 26

Anon46532: Yes, this is verbal abuse. It is *not* your fault your husband is in a bad mood all the time. Please, for your own emotional stability, get some help. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 800-799-7233. They can help you help yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like a piece of trash.

anon46532
Post 25

I'm not sure this is verbal abuse. My husband cusses a lot with the f word. I will ask him what is wrong and he will tell me to shut up before I make him mad. He is always in a bad mood. It's always because of something I have done. Like the house not being clean or money problems. Granted i'm not a great house keeper and I'm not very good with money. So maybe that is my fault. I try to talk to him and he just tells me all the things I do wrong and that he has told me before and I don't care enough to fix anything. I got my hair cut today and he sees me and says "I thought you were getting your hair cut." I work as much as he does and I make as much money our kids are in college, I thought would get better. When we talk he always talks about problems and his unhappiness. I ask him if he wants a divorce and he says I can move my fat a-- out; he is not going anywhere.

anon45106
Post 24

I am amazed that there are so many people out there like me. I have been married 31 years to my physical and verbally abusive husband. He is in jail as I speak. He shoved me and tried to choke me. My 12 year old was at home with me. He has been verbally abusive for years. I never did anything right, but he was the perfect person to others. It is his family he goes after. He has hurt my kids so much over the years, but I stayed. I ask myself that everyday --Why! I am getting a divorce now, but still I feel guilty because he is in jail. I know the reasons why but am so used to all the crap. I am going forward now. I hope he and I can become friends someday for our children and grandchildren. I love him still as he is the love of my life, but I refuse to be treated this way any more. I will listen to my kids, and set myself and them free. Thank God for my family, as I'd be lost without them for support.

anon44979
Post 23

I have been in a childless relationship for over 30 years. For the last 15 years my partner's harsh and hurtful comments have increased. Alcohol makes them worse. Recently retired, there is less balancing positive input from colleagues and my self confidence is suffering. Over the years my friends have disappeared, or live too far away and he is not very sociable generally. Reading these comments has helped to restore some of my self confidence. I'll never have the guts to leave at my age, even if I often feel like it and finances would not allow it anyway.

anon44271
Post 22

I totally agree on the verbal abuse situations. I am 20 years old and I have two little girls. I have been in a relationship for three years and i have now just realized that i am being verbally abused.

I get the blame for always over reacting about what my abuser thinks to be nothing. I have been told that my mom doesn't care about me or the child i have with my abuser. I have been told that everything is my fault.

My abuser tries to keep the child we have together from me and my first born child. And every time the baby falls or gets hurt, no matter if it's at his parents, it's always my fault. he claims that it all happened when the baby was in my care and only gets noticed at his parents home. My abuser tries to put me down using saying things like; i'm a bad mother. I can't do anything right. I'm a bad mother for letting the kids play when they take things from each other. Then my abuser wants to say "he's sorry", then start back abusing me.

I am very young and I am still trying to finish school, but not trying is not good enough to my abuser. I think he is has low self confidence with himself because of his weight. But i can't be a mean person back. I wasn't raised like that.

I have been depressed for a long time now. I want help to get out this relationship, but i don't know how. My abuser says things about my first child, which is not for him. He's always saying things like "If he had a baby for any other woman they wouldn't trip like i do". I'm tired of getting hurt and my oldest child gets put down. And of course both of my kids are hardly ever together. -kitty

Moderator's reply: If you live in the United States, please call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). This hotline is not just for people who have been physically abused, but also for those who are being verbally abused.

anon38812
Post 21

My mother has verbally and emotionally abused me now for most of my adult life. You see she didn't raise me -- my grandparents did, and I feel that since my grandmother died, she has resented me. Me and my grandmother had a bond like no other and I called her mama all my life and still do. Me and my birth mother do not have a bond. I am 33 with a domestic partner and we have an 8-year-old daughter. My parents have already started manipulating my daughter and filling her head with crap. They try to run my life, they tell me what I can and can't do, how to raise my child, they never ask my permission to come and get her or to take her anywhere. they tell me she's going and they just come and get her. My mother tells me all the time I'm going to hell! How could god give her such a child like me? If it weren't for my partner I wouldn't be anything or have anything. If my grandmother was still living I wouldn't be gay. Whatever happens or whatever goes wrong, it's always my fault. My parents are in the church and they hurt me so much and all the time I just don't understand. I have some medical problems where most of the time it's hard for me to get out of the bed. they don't call to check on me or to see if I need anything. My sister-in-law has the same thing and they live 2 hours away but they will drop everything they are doing to go help her. Lately, things got really bad. I have not seen or spoken to my parents since then, but my mom let my dad believe a lie that I started it and I didn't. I absolutly cannot take the hurt and the pain anymore. when this happened I wanted to end my life. I want to move away from them --far away -- but I have bad credit and no money. what can I do? We live in a trailer that they bought for me so they could run my life. I need help. I can't do it anymore. They have made me feel like I am completly worthless, useless, incompetent and not worth living. They are going to do they exact same thing to my daughter if I don't get away from them and I can't allow that. Please help me! Chastity

anon35388
Post 20

I have always thought that maybe next time the yelling and swearing would stop.

That next time I could just not say anything and it would be okay. But after

30 years of marriage next time hasnt come. I am now called a nag because I ask

him to pick up his clothes or put the dishes in the dishwasher. Am always reminded he makes the money and I would be living in a slum if it weren't for him

He has always an opinion about everything and your thoughts are not valid. There is no touching for a long time. Even a gentle conversation is out of the question. I am living a friendless, lonely life but don't have the nerve to leave. Verbal abuse robs your soul.

anon34659
Post 19

I just got out of a five month relationship with an extreme verbal abuser. It was only after I got out of this relationship that I realized that verbally abusive relationships truly exist. He silenced me in every way possible- telling me I was always wrong and that I never believed in him. No matter what I said or how I said it, I was told that wasn't what I meant to say. He wanted to control who affected my life, who I was friends with, where I worked, and how much I *slept*. He even got offended when I told him I put my children first before anyone. "How dare you say you love your children more than me?", he'd say angrily.

Even though it was less than a year, this relationship felt like an eternity. Two days after our official break up, he found himself a younger, more gullible woman and though I'd feel compelled to contact her to let her know the type of man he is, I feel it would rehash all the old wounds.

jacobis8
Post 18

As I type this I know all too well about verbal abuse. My son is almost 18 and lives with my mother. He is walking around here now threatening everyone. He abuses by cursing and saying the most horrible things. He is threatening to kill the dogs, to kill my mother, to bloody my face. I wonder how much of this is because of what he has been doing. He has taken himself off of all his tourette medication and has been smoking pot with friends and now is abusing because we will not give him money...any suggestions?

anon32078
Post 17

I am a newly married woman. My husband is in the military. He seemed to be a great guy. Now that we are married he says to me that I like to make him angry, he makes threats that he will destroy things that make me happy, he pushed me once and each time after these arguments took place, he would apologize.

I am not very comfortable with him sexually anymore because he is beginning to abuse sex as well. I am beginning to become afraid of him. I don't like it at all.

anon31257
Post 16

I didn't realise there were so many people out there just like me.

I have been married for 22yrs and verbally abused for 12 of them. The severity started 5 yrs ago.

Where it used to be sporadic it is now daily, 24hrs a day.

I am exhausted, he has convinced me on many occasions that it's all my fault even when I'm just lying in bed and he comes in to have a go at me, for silly things like not having enough cat food.

His favourite is telling me what a bad mother I am after he belts our son and I'm trying to tear him away from him.

Some days he convinces the children and they too start abusing me, having 3 teenagers who are going through their own roller coasters as it is. Getting threefold is very hard and I'm losing my self esteem and most of all strength and will.

anon30587
Post 15

I wish there was any easy answer that I could give to those that have bore the brunt of a verbally abusive partner, spouse, parent. But all I can offer is this bit of encouragement. You are not the sum of someone else's expectations. You are who you are and no one is responsible for your happiness other than you.

I know from my own experience that if allowed the pain inflicted by someone's words resonate deeper than a punch or a kick. Look deep inside your self and I promise the strength and willingness to move on is there for the taking. I know that the feeling of failure or the pressure from family or friends might make things seem tougher but the truth is no one truly knows what you must endure day in and day out, dealing with the highs and the lows and never knowing what exactly sets those mood swings in motion.

I was fortunate enough in my own experience to find someone to support me and see me for the person I am on the inside and through that I have gained the strength needed to move away from those that caused me harm. Not that they are doing it intentionally or not I have no real idea. All I know is that I need to take care of me and by doing so those around me will benefit ten fold.

Life is not easy and to be honest no one has ever promised me other wise but life is what you make it and I know that in time I will make it just fine.

For those of you with children look close and see what exactly this verbal abuse is doing to them. Honesty is the hardest thing sometimes and if you look at the situation with honesty you will gain the strength needed to free yourself and those you love from this abusive situation. Good luck to everyone and know that a special thought is out there for each and every person that needs it.

anon30074
Post 14

I am on my way out of a short abusive relationship. She makes comments about my education when not needed. She told me she has never dated someone who wasn't educated before. This is the day after I got laid off. Who needs to hear that? And it is always that I blame other people for my feelings and that I need to grow up and see that no one can make me feel anything. She says that she never wants anyone else to hurt me again or talk down to me, but she does. If someone else says something about her being mean she says that I have toxic friends.

It's so hard to walk away because I feel like I am in a new city and don't know many people and she is good to me in many other ways, but ultimately I know I cant live like this.

When there is something wrong with something you do each day it takes a toll on your spirit. I don't know if I am coming or going.

Just walk away and don't get into an argument with these types of people.

I usually get talked in a circle and feel like I am being extreme. I know I will miss her but I won't miss being the reason why all is wrong in the world.

Sue1950
Post 13

I have lived with verbal abuse for 25 yrs and didn't realize what it was until now. Besides the alcoholism he has cheated on me twice, why don't I leave? Why do I still love him? I have two adopted kids who he loves, but why does he put so much pain in our life? People and friends think we are the perfect couple. He has not brought me down, I feel strong about who I am, and that saves me mentally. I just wish I could get him to see what he's doing to the whole family.

anon26514
Post 12

I am going through a divorce because I have lived with this behavior for 5 years of a 10 year marriage. It started when our children were born and my focus was not 100% on him.

My advice to a woman in this situation, get out before it is directed at your children. Get the very best representation that you can possibly afford and tell them exactly what he is doing. Chances are, they have seen it a 100 times and know just how to deal with it. My only regret is not leaving sooner. Stay strong, we are still living together and I am capturing as much of his behavior as I can. Soon, life will be different, I will heal and so will the children. This is no life to live in.

These sorts of people are not normal. You are normal for feeling so confused. I have to check myself often to see if this is for real. It is really happening, but you are not the one who is crazy. You are also not alone. My girlfriend who has been divorced for a year looked at me and said, I swear we were married to the same man. She is doing wonderfully!!

Pray a lot and ask others to pray for you, no matter who your God is.

Tell your children you love them. Be honest about your feelings with them. Tell them you are not upset because of them. Tell them everything is going to be ok and that you are going to make everything ok. If you can't take action for yourself, do it for your children.

Exercise every day as soon as you possibly can. Don't forget to eat and eat as healthy as possible. Stop drinking alcohol completely, it's depression's friend, just until you get through the rough patch.

And love on your children just as much as you can. Allow them to be around as many friends and family as possible so that they can feel normal even though it is not at home.

Don't pick any fights and don't get involved in any fights with your spouse, suck it up and ignore those hateful words.

Do A Random Act of Kindness Every Day! It will come back to you.

Be less involved in activities that need you like unnecessarily volunteering or helping out friends. Reach out to the friends that you do have and make sure they know what is going on.

If he wakes you up in the middle of the night to yell, leave and go see a friend, come back within an hour so that you will be at the house. Stop the behavior you will not tolerate.

Call the police if he locks you out of the house or touches you at all. Record the escalation by calling the police. I regret not calling when he kicked an ottoman at me breaking our coffee table. He denies it now. I regret not calling the police when he locked me out of the house, he denies it now.

Do not care about what any one else thinks. If they are your friend, they will understand when you get through all of this. Don't engage in others' fears, you have enough on your plate. If he starts to mess with one of your friends, shy away from them until this is over. You are putting them and you at risk. Let your family know exactly what is going on.

*Be strong. This will end* I am not there yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. God Bless.

anon24424
Post 11

I have same problem....I thought for a long time he just wanted the best for me but he freaks over every little detail now he is Arab and control is an issue. we have a 2 yr old.

meachamd
Post 10

I have someone at work that goes into a rage if I say something he disagrees with. It's been physical once but mostly a screaming rampage. He says he gets tunnel vision and doesn't know what he is doing until it's over. I have reported it but he threatened me with a lawsuit for defamation of character if I proceed with an investigation. All I really wanted was for it to document because he keeps promising never to do it again. Previous incidents were not documented.

anon18373
Post 9

It has taken me 10 months to realize that my new boss uses the same tactics as are described in this article. After relocating across the US and looking for an opportunity to grow in a new management position, I have found that it just isn't in the cards. At last, I know what the issues are. I am looking for a new job because I know that anybody who has risen to the top of the pile is totally in control. I am better than that. At least now I am aware and on guard.

anon18368
Post 8

Ive been verbally abused by my husband for 16 years ..afraid to walk out because of my children dont want to hurt them.

HHHelpMMMe
Post 7

It's been 14 years and it still happens. Now we have a 9 year old and he promised he would stop when we had a child. I hate it. Therapists, medications... nothing stops him.

He is so unhappy and sad, he tells me it's my fault.

His family lives this way too :(

DallasTex
Post 6

My only advice is to place as much distance as you can from the abuser and please make sure that you place in your decree that abuse has happened. This will serve you as record just in case you have children and a future custody case takes place. Sometimes the abuser will try to use your kids to harm you. Please surround yourself by people and tell people about it. Use recorders and video to catch him during his anger times. Remember that Verbal Abuse is not visible. People only see our reaction to the abuse but they do not see it. Sometimes we are portrayed as "Hystericals." I have a case going on right now and believe me, I surrounded myself with people and these people are the ones making my case valid.

anon16664
Post 5

I am trying to end a marriage based on verbal abuse and it's the hardest thing to maintain that it has actually happened, that it has affected my self esteem and that it will not change. I find myself angry one moment that I "let it happen" and resolved to move forward and doubtful the next "is it really that bad?" Funny enough, when I let down my guard and am self confident, there is always a remark made about some inadequacy or other...that crushes me yet again. What do I tell people? He was mean?

Kathy10
Post 4

I go through this everyday. Its being 5 years and nothing has being done to help. Now I have been trying to get help but nothing at all.

anon14232
Post 3

I go through this and I have tried to prove it. Nothing happens, I have no proof. Its been happening since 5 years ago. Now in 2008 is when I tried to get as much help as I need. But nothing seems to work. I am almost 18 years old and even then I can't forget anything. Its gets worse every year, nothing seems to change regardless of what anyone tells those people abusing me in such a way. I am just glad that I am not the only one going through this.

anon13911
Post 2

I'm right there now, and have no idea how to escape.

tugboats
Post 1

Verbal abuse is a type of abuse that needs to be taken very seriously, as seriously as physical abuse. The problem is that verbal abuse does not leave visible scars or bruises, so many times it is overlooked or very hard to prove. However, verbal abuse can be worse for children than physical abuse, or at least as bad, because it makes people doubt their worth and their purpose.

As a teacher, verbal abuse is very hard to deal with because I can call child protective services if I see a bruise or a burn on a child, but if that child tells me that their parents tell them that they're worthless or that they wish the child was never born, there is not much that child protective services can do.

Remember, especially with children, that what you say really stays with them. If you say something that makes them think that they are stupid or worthless, you are really hurting them probably for the rest of their life.

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